When life feels so gray… God sends you some orange

I am a firm believer in the fact that God sends the people and the things you need… although we humans often overlook these things and take them for granted.  I know that during a really hard and low week he will send someone to help me believe and feel and know.

In this journey I have had the honor to meet so many new, positive and wonderful people… so many gifts, that I know God is sending them to me.  I know that sounds corny to some, but I promise there is just no way chance could have done it all.  So, again, back to the gray times… when my heart was heavy and sad and it was harder to see (gray)… God sent me a family who kind of needed me, but really I needed them.  I had the honor of being a part of a little boy’s last best days (who happened to love orange) … and the chance to meet his mom.  Since I met him- he has since joined my lovely angel in heaven, but I have this connection to his mom.  I know God put them in my life, that in a way it was a gift to find each other.  She is such a positive, real and genuine woman.  I am thankful to meet such a woman, who shares my perspective on living, death and living after.  I think I have a lot to learn from her.

I love to be right.  I can be such a know-it-all…  I am so glad to know I was right all along.  I was right that God would take care of us and help us find the way and the people… but I was right too about people.  People in general are good, some are downright amazing… and those silly pessimists think differently.  I am glad to be right about these things… and will be a little cocky and proud of the fact that I was right…  (but not to the point of negative ;)).

Advertisements

I am wearing a heavy heart tonight…

There are moments when I smile and know life is ok and good… then moments (or sometimes many moments) where I can’t lift the heavy.  I am so happy to have known and had my angel… but then my mind is angry that it was only for 5 1/2 years… I am so glad to know she is ok and in heaven… and then my mind is mad God took her.  While wasting time on facebook I stumbled upon a video memorial for another lovely little lady who had DIPG… and I wished (and still kind of do…) that it was last summer and I had never ever heard of DIPG or palliative care.

Tonight has been especially hard, unbelievably painful and very empty… I can’t wait to go to bed.  I know that tomorrow I will wake up, roll over and make myself get out of bed- make myself run, hopefully clear my head, talk to a friend, come home and make breakfast, entertain my crazy lovely ladies, clean the garage… organize the shed… hang out in my hammock… basically force myself to move and breathe… but for tonight I will let my heavy settle and let my sadness remind me of my angel.  I miss you my perfect angel, I wish you were here to snuggle up and watch ‘The Incredibles’ with your little superhero… I wish I could wake up and say “Gooooodmorning SUNSHINE…”…

Sometimes the really good days are the hardest days…

Image

While off to find an adventure, or even in the midst of enjoying our adventure, a sad layer just sits there. At the end of the day my heart is full of all the love and fun we shared with our little family and heavy with the sadness that our angel was not physically there to see, touch and experience these adventures…

How is this journey complete with out her? How will we ever be our own little family with the big layer of missing her there always? Who knows… I trust and know that God has a plan and that we will get by. … live actually and that she is with us (in a way). I just get heavy sometimes with the sadness…

So we will keep taking detours, making adventures and following the course we feel is right in our big journey of life… never not thinking about our lovely… never not remembering her smile and never not having our layer of hard and sad… but in a way that is how we know she is with us on our journey, moving and living in us right? All of this to reach the end goal- of a lovely, memorable and happy life… full of the good stuff.

… and we are off to find an adventure

How often in life do we have a whole Sunday with nothing written on the calendar?  In our life not very often… there is always something- a birthday party, a run, a visit.. basically just life.  Today we have nothing, and it feels wonderful.  What will we do with our day?  We are off to find an adventure… off to enjoy being our little family.

What kind of adventure will we set out for today?  I quite like the little life detours with no known destination, I love the surprise in the day… so that’s what today will be (and many other days to come).  Will we head out for a beach day or maybe a little old town we have never explored or maybe a big park and a hike… whatever the case it will be a nice change from the go go go of life and living.

This year has changed so much of how we and so many we know and have never met, look at life… more importantly living.  We never know how our life can change- tomorrow, next year or even when are gifted old age… so enjoying all the little things that make up the big and wonderful life is so important, the life that is the goal… a happy and full life.  So detours and adventures will be regular in our life…

All working toward our family goal: live a life full of adventures, be us and never lose our desire to explore, create and smile.  Move, move and move some more all the while carrying our angel right along with us… she is, after all, the reason we see all that we see in life…

I’m workin’ on it…

When I wake up I try to think of this, try to use these words as my instructions for the day…

Today I woke up and wanted to take 5 steps back and just hug my lovely. I am trying hard to take my mind and make it look forward to when that moment will come.  So I snuggle with my other lovelies, smile at the way they sleep and look forward to when my husband wakes up…

Mornings are hard, I miss her… but then again afternoons are rough, evenings difficult and night-time is downright painful… so my logical self (who doesn’t pop out too often) knows that life will start to grow around the pain and the missing, that it will be permanent piece in my new normal- my future life of living.

Do I ever hope life gets easier?  Do I ever want to feel less pain?  I know the answers to those questions, for me, are not the answers people would assume… I don’t really hope life gets easier and I don’t really want less pain… In a way those are the ways I KNOW I remember, the ways my heart knows she was so important and real.  When I don’t feel pain or I start to move easier will that mean I have moved on?  I don’t know… all these things my brain will get to when it is ready.