I’m workin’ on it…

When I wake up I try to think of this, try to use these words as my instructions for the day…

Today I woke up and wanted to take 5 steps back and just hug my lovely. I am trying hard to take my mind and make it look forward to when that moment will come.  So I snuggle with my other lovelies, smile at the way they sleep and look forward to when my husband wakes up…

Mornings are hard, I miss her… but then again afternoons are rough, evenings difficult and night-time is downright painful… so my logical self (who doesn’t pop out too often) knows that life will start to grow around the pain and the missing, that it will be permanent piece in my new normal- my future life of living.

Do I ever hope life gets easier?  Do I ever want to feel less pain?  I know the answers to those questions, for me, are not the answers people would assume… I don’t really hope life gets easier and I don’t really want less pain… In a way those are the ways I KNOW I remember, the ways my heart knows she was so important and real.  When I don’t feel pain or I start to move easier will that mean I have moved on?  I don’t know… all these things my brain will get to when it is ready.

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