Sometimes figuring out how how to ‘be’ is really hard.
How to be me? How to be us? How to be our family? How to be happy… sad… ok… a mom… a friend… an aunt… (etc, etc, etc)
I feel overwhelmed lately trying to figure out how to ‘be’. Everything is new, every part of me and us and our family…
I am changed. I am sad often, and happy… and just very changed. Life doesn’t move the same way… my reaction time is so different… I am less likely to be freaking out on the playground that my child might fall… but sometimes more likely to be yelling at them for making a mess … I care less about people’s little problems, and things that never bugged me about people drive me bananas now… sometimes different me is pretty cool. I wish I knew her better. She is getting good at saying no, at avoiding people’s small talk and drama… She is getting good at finding the people that need her and asking help from people she needs… all and all she’s more ‘good human’.
The ‘us’ is changed… we were and still are so young in our marriage. Seven years is not very long to squish in all the excitement, life and loss that we have. It feels like everytime we kind of define ‘us’ it all flops and flips and changes again… but who knows maybe that is how people make it to the golden 50, or end up divorced! This process of moving and living and grieving is very difficult together, but also comforting. It’s the only person who ‘feels’ it and ‘gets’ it… but when I am ok, he might not be, or vice versa. Seriously, we are learning about communication and marriage in a whole new way these days. I guess, in all the adventures and ups and downs… all the happy and sad and hard and wonderful, I am often more aware that God made my husband just for me…
The ‘we’ is sooooooo changed. All the things ‘we’ were going to ‘be’ are different. Going on vacations with 2 kids and missing my lovely is hard. Being home and eating dinner as a smaller family is painful. Putting two girls to bed in seperate beds is unreal. When we are busy and full and surrounded, we are a part of a big group and don’t have to feel and see the pain of missing… but when we are ‘we’ and head out for adventures and eat dinner together and plan the future ‘we’ feels mighty small. I hope that as time moves the ‘we’ will feel more okay, more like a family. I know it is always going to be emptier and lacking…
For now… we will simply be. Be ‘me’… be ‘us’… be ‘we’…
Lately just moving can seem hard. I am training for a 18.12 mile race in my hometown, to commemorate the War of 1812 (a big deal back home)… so I run a lot. I find that sometimes it is really hard to run, hard to keep my mind busy, hard to justify the time and energy… but I run anyway. I mean I made it Facebook official and paid to run this race, I will finish it :). There are days that I run and end full of happy energy, feeling clean and fresh (though stinky) and kind of like ‘me’. Those are the runs that pull me through when I have a run that is slow and heavy and hard and tedious and not fun at all… those runs make me wonder if I can even do this anyway, what’s the point you know?
It is funny how your mind can work. My big and most important trick is the never let my brain win, sometimes it does. I know that if I start out and don’t let myself stop, I will finish. I have let my brain win… have had my husband come pick me up (very early in the morning)… and the disappointment I felt from my own heart and brain was not worth it.
So, this weekend I will run, run and run some more. I will finish what I started, and not let my brain win. I will put 18.12 on the butt of my car and know I did something pretty cool and new this year. In a year when it was the hardest for my brain to go, I will go… my legs will do this.
(I guess this post is my little pep talk…)
In this life we can complain, we can be negative and we can be angry… or we can choose to smile. We can choose to accept that goals change, people change and life changes… we can choose to live through hard days, love simpler days and move through the unbelievably painful days… knowing that tomorrow we have to wake up and do it again and most likely it will be better. We can choose to not say no, to be kind to a person who is cranky, to smile when we see something good- and remember the little good things when the sad ones pop up. We can choose.
I have always said that our in our world it is hard to be happy… if we look around, watch tv or listen to people talk… chaos, sadness and anger are all over. I believe that it takes work to be and stay happy. It takes work to see the good news, it takes work to smile and move along… it takes work to see that wonderful things happen every second. I also know that you have to choose to be happy. You have to choose happy, you must choose positive… God shows us the good stuff, we only need to choose to see it. I give in sometimes, I choose to see the crap, to assume that bad follows me… but I know it isn’t true. Good follows me too, great and amazing sometimes pop in and show up good :), I know that God has a grand plan and I get to be happy… I just have to choose to see, accept and smile… and happy will follow… who knows sometimes gleeful and giddy might come to visit (probably after a good run or a glass of wine…)
Note to self: choose happy. choose positive. choose to smile even in the rain, even in a storm.
Lately quotes, words and songs all take on a different meaning. My perspective has altered, and songs I used to sing along to and not necessarily listen to have a whole new meaning to ‘new me’. Sometimes, when I feel that no other person gets it, a song plays and I know that whoever wrote that song gets it… lots of people get it.
I stumbled upon this little set of words and have read and reread it over the past week. I am going to print it, put in my cabinet and carry one in my car… so in 2 months, 1 year… 10 years I will find it again, read it again… and reassess. These words are core. These words are golden… they remind us to treat people as we want to be treated, to surround ourselves with people who treat us with kindness and respect, to respect our own self and to love who we are. I will keep these words right next to me on this ride through life… and I think, actually know, if I really focus on them this ride will be the very best it can be. So here are some words to remind you, and move you along on your own journey… through your own life.