Just being…

Sometimes figuring out how how to ‘be’ is really hard.

How to be me?  How to be us?  How to be our family?  How to be happy… sad… ok… a mom… a friend… an aunt… (etc, etc, etc)

I feel overwhelmed lately trying to figure out how to ‘be’.  Everything is new, every part of me and us and our family…

I am changed.  I am sad often, and happy… and just very changed.  Life doesn’t move the same way… my reaction time is so different… I am less likely to be freaking out on the playground that my child might fall… but sometimes more likely to be yelling at them for making a mess … I care less about people’s little problems, and things that never bugged me about people drive me bananas now… sometimes different me is pretty cool.  I wish I knew her better.  She is getting good at saying no, at avoiding people’s small talk and drama… She is getting good at finding the people that need her and asking help from people she needs… all and all she’s more ‘good human’.

The ‘us’ is changed… we were and still are so young in our marriage.  Seven years is not very long to squish in all the excitement, life and loss that we have.  It feels like everytime we kind of define ‘us’ it all flops and flips and changes again… but who knows maybe that is how people make it to the golden 50, or end up divorced!  This process of moving and living and grieving is very difficult together, but also comforting.  It’s the only person who ‘feels’ it and ‘gets’ it… but when I am ok, he might not be, or vice versa.  Seriously, we are learning about communication and marriage in a whole new way these days.  I guess, in all the adventures and ups and downs… all the happy and sad and hard and wonderful, I am often more aware that God made my husband just for me…

The ‘we’ is sooooooo changed.  All the things ‘we’ were going to ‘be’ are different.  Going on vacations with 2 kids and missing my lovely is hard.  Being home and eating dinner as a smaller family is painful.  Putting two girls to bed in seperate beds is unreal.  When we are busy and full and surrounded, we are a part of a big group and don’t have to feel and see the pain of missing… but when we are ‘we’ and head out for adventures and eat dinner together and plan the future ‘we’ feels mighty small.  I hope that as time moves the ‘we’ will feel more okay, more like a family.  I know it is always going to be emptier and lacking…

For now… we will simply be.  Be ‘me’… be ‘us’… be ‘we’…

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