Time is expensive.

Sometimes, I feel like life is taking forever and other moments I feel like my 30 years have flown by…

What I have learned and keep relearning is that life is a gift, a very expensive gift… time is expensive.  The more we work and work and work to get to the gift- the less of the gift we get.  Every single minute has a cost, and if we are always working for the big, special future minutes we will have ‘spent a lot’ of time.  Even after all that has happened to our family and our life we still need reminders and help to find the time to be ‘us’ and not always think “next week it all slows down, we can enjoy ‘us’ then”.  I wish very much so that my husband could be home more, to just be here… not to pay bills, mow the lawn, answer an email, have a conference call… just be.  I fear sometimes that we take time for granted.  This all being said, I find it hard lately to find a balance of time… I need to be busy (it must be part of my grieving)… I need to move… but I think I need to slow down… who knows.

I know that I am constantly in search of the proper amount of crazy busy and ‘us’… maybe the work involved in finding that is really part of my process… I am unsure.  I do know that my daughters birthday’s and Halloween’s are crazy difficult right now.  I know that it is killing my heart to do these things with out Maddie… but I really must.  I must make a Captain America costume for Lucy and have some of Amelia’s friends over for a birthday (with crafts, snack and lots of presents)… I have to go to the Halloween parties and sing Happy Birthday to my lovely… Tell her how 5 is going to be a great year… All this because I know that the cost later of ruining or wasting that time is far to expensive.  They deserve the very best use of life and time… even if it is breaking my heart.  Someday my heart will break a little less when they grow a little more… but for now I will keep moving in the direction I feel is right- move through the unbelievably hard, tramp over the numb and jump through hoops to not waste my little lovelies time.

Advertisements

One thought on “Time is expensive.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s