Black Friday.

So, Black Friday takes a new Black this year… and it probably will forever.  Having had a couple days to think about and understand the heavy and the feelings, I think I know the particulars.

As I have said before BIG days, that can even be filled with happy and fun moments, cost a lot.  Once I wake up and the distractions and the families and the jokes and the stories are gone it’s just me and my emotionally exhausted brain and the overwhelming heavy that comes with realizing that Mads last Thanksgiving (Halloween, Birthday party… etc) was done.  I would never prep her plate, make holiday crafts, tell her to slow down while running and giggling with her cousins… never get to tell her how thankful I am to be her mom.  Bam.  Ouch… and there is the heavy, the black, the quiet.  So I know that the exhaustion and drained feeling comes from a mix of all of these, in the quiet of the day after.

I often wonder if every year will feel like this, and if I will be more sad when it doesn’t.  To most that makes no sense… but I can’t imagine what it is like when there is less pain.  Does less pain mean less remembering?  Is it less thinking about her?  Would I rather always feel this pain to know she happened?  I watch movies and see pictures and can go back to that very second and see her riding her bike, laughing with her sisters, singing songs, running around naked… I think the ouch becomes a big regular normal in my own ‘new normal’… so pains a good thing… a good pain.

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Today is a good day…

I woke up today in a good mood… I was happy to see Matt, the girls were in a good mood… and I thought ‘Today is a good day’.

Simple.as.that.

So why the need to spread the word and tell everyone?  Seriously, it has been a long time since I woke and thought that or felt that.  Many mornings I wake up cranky and put on smiles and take care of the girls and try not to yell and get annoyed with my husband and go go go.  So on a day when I wake up and feel this it is a big deal.

What to do with this ‘good day’?  Head off to Lake Placid to be with most of my whole family… to the place I last saw Maddie smile and laugh and play… to the place we all went to enjoy and be together for what we didn’t know would be her last days.  I am excited and scared, happy and anxious.  I know she wants us there to do this and be together… and I want to be there to feel her… to find her… so maybe that’s why I am in a good mood.  Maybe Maddie is telling me she is glad are doing this… maybe she is my good mood.  I think so.  I never know how to explain things so they don’t sound silly or crazy, but at the end of this who cares if it sounds that way?

So off we go to find, play, laugh, cry, eat, move, live and be together…

Thankful.

I am thankful for everything.

I am thankful for my lovely set of girls that God  has let me mother.  I am thankful that God made Matthew for me, and that through all the life and crap and hard stuff I am really sure God is going to help us be the best parents and old married couple we can be.   I am blessed to have my life, my house, my car, my little Sparky, my life.

I am so thankful for my childhood and memories and the amazing family that God put me in… I don’t think anyone could have it better.  I have the best set of parents (who are crazy and helpful and pretty young and in love), I have the very best sisters and brother and all that comes in that package (in-laws, nieces, nephews, dogs…).

I am thankful for my in-laws.  They are real family… they love me for my crazy, my loud and just me.  I know I can drive them nuts (and vice versa), but I still know they love me, us and my lovelies.  The same goes for my brothers-in-law… they are like my own siblings.  I like being the sister :)…

I am thankful for all of the family we have made along our journey… you guys are just too much to call friends.  When worst case scenario happens I know that we have the very best people…

I am thankful to be me.  I love being me.  I love to do things I always told myself I couldn’t (run, speak in front of people, know I am a grown up) and said I wouldn’t (like drink coffee or like wine or eat fish)… I wish I had less wobbly bits, but I carry them with pride and know I can be a hot 14 when I dress up and smile… I love when I laugh so hard my cheeks hurt and realize I haven’t done that in a long time… I love to tell stories and talk a lot… I love to read fun books with my girls in a way that would make a Youtube video that goes viral… I love dance parties, accidental fun times and being somewhat spontaneous.  I LOVE SURPRISES.  I love knowing that I have an angel, so many others don’t know theirs…

Thank you God.  Miss you lovely.

… as always yesterday’s tomorrow came.

I finally understand this take it one day at a time… one moment at a time.  If you look ahead you will freak out and break down… and breaking down is VERY important in this new life, just not all the time.

So this is Thanksgiving week without one of my best blessings… the week and month where everybody and their brother are thankful for something every single day.  Honestly, I think it is wonderful to have a conscious thought and idea and reminder of how many blessings we all have here.  I love the idea and have taken on the challenge before, and I will tell you by day 22 it is hard to find a person, place, experience or thing to be thankful for!  It has been so hard to read all the posts about the children people are thankful for- which sounds silly since I am unbelievably thankful for my children.  I am grateful for every moment I am gifted with each one of my chicks (even if it is a messy, loud and temper tantrum filled moment in life, I am later glad for that moment of life).

This morning I woke up to a text from my friend who has a new angel… and we were talking about Christmas and the holidays.  Thinking about plans freaks me out, anything beyond this afternoon my mind makes disappear.  It is as if my mind and body are controlling my calendar… helping me forget appointments that overloaded me, helping me not think about what to pack until the moment of packing, helping in a way to not get too excited or too sad… If that makes sense?!!?

I can see tomorrow and plan tomorrow.  I don’t like to look at Tuesday, or Wednesday… let alone December 12 or 25th.  This morning I realized this is the way… this is the so-called-rule… day by day, minute by minute… and when one or the other seems too long, don’t worry bedtime will come and tomorrow will come… and eventually several sleeps and wake ups will pass and life will move.

Home.

I wander around – sometimes good and sometimes bad… wondering when I will feel a sense of home.  I used to think ‘home’ was a sense of family, warmth, comfort… us.  It just happened to happen in my little yellow cape cod… so my house was my home.  ‘Home’ is so different now… it is separated, sometimes empty even when full and just not the same.  I can have 40 people squeezed into my ‘home’ and it still feels lonely.  I go about my day and run all over the place… I walk into the door of my ‘home’ and feel no warmth, no real comfort… and a very mixed up version of family.  I wonder if or when that will ever soften… when life as we know it is ‘home’ and ‘normal’.  Will it be a gradual moving toward normal, or do I one day wake up and BAM!  this cute, little yellow cape cod feels like ‘home’ again.

What in the world is ‘home’?  I never in my life envisioned this to be our life, our forever… but once again I will wake, move, drive, eat, run and live until I can let you know how this whole ‘home’ thing works…