Black Friday.

So, Black Friday takes a new Black this year… and it probably will forever.  Having had a couple days to think about and understand the heavy and the feelings, I think I know the particulars.

As I have said before BIG days, that can even be filled with happy and fun moments, cost a lot.  Once I wake up and the distractions and the families and the jokes and the stories are gone it’s just me and my emotionally exhausted brain and the overwhelming heavy that comes with realizing that Mads last Thanksgiving (Halloween, Birthday party… etc) was done.  I would never prep her plate, make holiday crafts, tell her to slow down while running and giggling with her cousins… never get to tell her how thankful I am to be her mom.  Bam.  Ouch… and there is the heavy, the black, the quiet.  So I know that the exhaustion and drained feeling comes from a mix of all of these, in the quiet of the day after.

I often wonder if every year will feel like this, and if I will be more sad when it doesn’t.  To most that makes no sense… but I can’t imagine what it is like when there is less pain.  Does less pain mean less remembering?  Is it less thinking about her?  Would I rather always feel this pain to know she happened?  I watch movies and see pictures and can go back to that very second and see her riding her bike, laughing with her sisters, singing songs, running around naked… I think the ouch becomes a big regular normal in my own ‘new normal’… so pains a good thing… a good pain.

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