Tree Angel

So I know we have our own real angel… which is a blessing and a curse.  I wish instead  that I had a little 6-year-old with smiles and fast feet and a love of school and reading… but alas we have an angel instead.

We are trying to figure out what to do this holiday season, what feels right and what feels wrong (when honestly everything feels sad and lonely).  Do we do Christmas cards?  How about cookies?  What things of Maddie’s should come out which should be saved and put away… it’s a painful and difficult task.  If Amelia and Lucy didn’t care or need normal so much I would probably deem it an impossible task.  But ugh, move, decorate, turn on lights, watch movies… go to parties and bring the elf out… ugh ugh ugh.  I guess those are the right things for us…

We decorated the tree yesterday and it was all I could to let the girls touch Maddie’s ornaments… and I don’t want them to think Maddie’s are oh so much more important than theirs to my heart- but her’s are truly and fully not replaceable.  There will never be another holiday, birthday, dinner… heck never be another moment that Maddie will be here to receive one… so they are priceless… and all that is left.  Normally we have a lovely, simple and country star on the tree, but we feel the need to have an angel topper… so today I set our to find a Maddie angel.  Should I make it?  Should we buy it together?  I ended up finding a perfect, simple and very innocent tree angel and I hope Amelia loves her.  I think that will make our tree complete.  I wish it felt like she were here being our angel…

It is strange to think that we have Maddie’s spot to bring Christmas feel to… so I bought a little tree for the girls to decorate and bring up to Maddie and a little one for here.  I hope this helps them bring Maddie into the season, even when they tell me all the time “don’t worry mom, Maddie’s here, in my heart”.  I love that she’s there, but seriously, I want to touch her hand and see her smile and hear her giggle.  I want her here in my life, not just in my heart.  I guess today is one of those days… I must smile, move, decorate, do crafts, make dinner, stand, clean and try to get better… maybe a little less sick would be a great thing to be right now..

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