Together and alone.

Together and alone.  Sometimes I know that’s how every single part of this goes… together with my family, my husband, my sisters, my friends… but really alone.  I don’t think most can even understand the number of levels my life has changed and will change and how much I miss the old days, selfish days… days when I can completely remember happy with my husband, or simple days with nothing to do with Madeline and Amelia, or driving, talking and being fun and young with friends… what a freakin’ heavy life this is. 

How the heck can I parent well through this, be a good wife or even care about my marriage though this, be a sister who can help her sisters through rough stuff or a friend who cares and helps and does thoughtful things… Sometimes I can not even understand how I am living through this.  Our life must be someone elses… I could not have lost my daughter, I could not be here in this moment… lift the freakin’ curtain God and show me the real now… the real life. 

There is no curtain.  There is no other now… There is no simple decisions, easy marriage tricks… no random funfilled happy days… there is just this void.  I am doing the very best I can to fill our void… with some happy, some joy, some normal, some celebrations… some living… but the void is HUGE and will not shrink. 

I hope to God, because I can’y really pray that this void shrinks… that this gets lighter and life can feel normal… I really hope…

miss you so much Mads…

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