I can’t shake this cold..

It is so cold outside… so cold.  I don’t remember feeling this cold in a long time.  I think last years warm and bright winter was a gift to us.  I think God knew I would give up if I was trapped in my house and the sun didn’t shine and I was this cold.  He did.  I am now faced with figuring out what to do with this freaking cold winter.  My insides feel cold and my head and heart feel lonely.  This cold gets right into your soul… some think it’s invigorating, others hate it… me it just brings my spirit down.  I am also brought back to exactly what I was doing last year at this time, exactly how many days left I had last year to snuggle and touch and see my lovely… and now she is an angel.  I still am in awe that it could have been a year… it could be so long ago already.  I didn’t think I would make it this far, actually I didn’t look ahead far enough to think that the world would still function this far ahead last year.

I long for a nice, powerful and lifting run… to prove I can do it, to prove I can move… I need it.  I wish I were in warm right now.  I wish we just headed out and disappeared for a few days… to see the sun, feel some warmth, find a smile… I can feel the heavy coming.  I can feel the sad coming.  I am sick of the salty, dirty gray and cold of my favorite state, of our home, of Maddie’s Spot.  Who knows maybe a little disappear is in our future… maybe we can go find some sunshine and happy and lift our spirits… I think I need it to move, smile, live, cry and run…

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My very own Matthew…

Because I have talked so much about my ladies… and barely brushed on the other half that made them… tonight’s post is about Matthew.

When I met Matthew we were so young… I remember sometimes how I felt when we hung out or when we kissed… how involved we were in each others lives and families.  It is strange now to look back on those memories and know how much has changed and evolved in our lives together.  Life and marriage and parenting and living are so much harder than I thought, than we thought.

Let me really start with a description of my favorite guy, just ahead of my father…  My Matthew is tall, skinny and very handsome.  He is very, very intelligent and motivated to succeed.  He loves computers and gadgets and gizmos… he loves upgrading and finding better software or hardware or methods of doing things.  He is a very driven person… who never washes the dishes :).  When we have a real conversation and I remember how much I love him and why – it is amazing.  We are so different.  He keeps me safe in ways that no one else can, he keeps me logical.  I am the crazy and impractical one… I speak before I think.  He helps me analyze and sometimes gets yelled at for doing that.  His kindness and compassion often feel more serious and different than mine.

Sometimes he still gives me butterflies and makes me giddy.  It is hard lately to find each other in all of this mess.  We are so different at sharing feelings or not sharing… and helping or not… days when I am okay, Matthew is not… there are so many dynamics in our marriage that are SOOOO FREAKING HARD.  I am determined though… I know there is no other guy that I want to get old and wrinkly with and sit in Adirondack chairs and watch sunsets and grand babies with.  He is my guy, God made him for me.  We make the cutest and coolest babies (we really do, honest).

Back to my guy… how else to describe him?  He tends to jump straight to worst case scenario about situations… but he is logical about the solving.  When it is medical conditions he is more apt to assume the worst but so calm and logical while doing so.  When it is people… he basically tells me to let the mean buttheaded people go.  He makes sense, almost all the time.  He has the best smile… with 2 dimples and nice teeth.  He always looks good and nice and handsome.  I walk in with my stinky running clothes and he’s all done up with work pants and a fitted shirt… and he smells great.  (Don’t worry I clean up nice ;)).

Anywho… I know that for all the stuff we have gone through we are still here.  We are still fighting to survive and thrive and smile.  Lately we will take any smile or laugh or kiss we can get… given the nature of our ‘new normal’.  I know this road is, honestly, the hardest road we have had to take and almost any marriage can take… but I know Maddie knows we were meant for each other.  Someday soon I know I will have a lovely date with my husband… and we will laugh and smile and cry and tell stories and share hurt and share happy… and we will live, move, breathe and survive… we will be we, we will stay we.

Breathe Out…

I was driving home from a ‘photo shoot’ for an article our local paper is doing, an article about my friend (whose son is an angel like Maddie) and me… about how are so very similar and very different- but both choose to move and live and honor our angels.  As I was driving home I turned off the music, to kind of enjoy the quiet (though my husband’s car is not quiet and I am pretty sure the transmission is going to fall out soon, if that’s possible)… in the quiet I heard myself let out a HUGE breath.  I wonder how long I was ‘holding’ it and carrying the heavy of it.  I can’t really remember a reason for the breath, it wasn’t something I thought I was doing, yet I found myself holding my breath.  I let it out and felt good… lighter and more comfortable.  It made me wonder how often I did this and didn’t have an opportunity to hear myself letting it out.  Who knows…

Recently, I started to take 3 deep, stomachy, yogaish breaths right when I wake up- before I read the devotional that I am going to spend this year reading.  I hope in doing this it helps me pull my brain to focus mode and read the words of these psalms and understand them.  I am hoping a little extra oxygen will point my brain into the direction to listen and read better- so I understand better and in the end so I can pray.  Praying is supremely difficult for me… it always has been.  I am different now and don’t feel that what I used to think about praying is what it is… I think praying is just talking to God and knowing that I have a relationship with Him.  I think praying is pretty laid back, it doesn’t need an introduction, it doesn’t need to be spoken, it doesn’t need to be a complete thought… God already knows how He is going to fix it or help me, He knows what I need and He knows how I will finish my thought.  Praying is just when I open up to God and really know the relationship.  I am looking in myself to better acknowledge and feel my relationship with God.  I want to find more time in my life that I recognize Him and remember that He is there…

Whoa… back to breathing out… I think that was a reminder to me to breathe out more.  I need to exhale that big scary breath I hold many times just to walk through hard and smile through pain.  I need to let it out and feel the lighter, less heavy feeling.  I know it will help next time… I know it will help me move better, smile more, drive safer, play more, enjoy things, let things go… just live without an extra heavy breath coming with me.

still amazed…

Ever look at your child’s fingers and just feel so amazed and impressed that you could make something like that?  That 2 little cells could match up, divide, grow, set up shop, divide and keep growing…then comes baby and soon toddler… and one day you are looking 3 1/2 year old fingers and they are awesome. I am always in awe of creation and life and genetics… that there is code inside our cells that determines if you’ll have dimples like your grandma, or funky toes like your mom… awesome. That two people could make three children and the code makes them all look so different and the same…
Random post I know… just had this moment this morning while loading Lucy into the car. She moved her fingers and I was just very aware of how grown up she has become, how perfect it was that out of all the potential combinations God could put together He gave me a Lucy… a perfect version of Lucy. I had a moment of clear knowing that life is amazing and fast… that in all the complicated and mixed up combinations we get exactly the best pile of details and DNA that each of us should be…
I am so happy God made this exact set of mixtures of DNA for me (and should add, as Lucy always does, that God made me a Matt Musto too)…
So thank you God for my trio of ladies and handsome tall Matt… I’m sending a super kiss and super hug to my perfect angel…

Becoming unconnected…

Many days lately I feel this pull toward time wasters… my kindle, my cell phone, my computer… checking statuses, reading email, texting and reading headlines.  I am tired of it… as I am sitting on my computer typing.  I am going to start being much less connected… start noticing my own surroundings and taking it in more.  I think I know a lot of people who will be doing this.
Back when I was organized and what I think of as ‘pulled together’… I would make a list as I did other things (mostly productive things) and then set a timer for whatever time I had that day to do this list online (email so and so, check the news, looks up a restaurant, etc).  This really helped me keep my obsession with staying connected useful and safer.  I would make sure my list got done before I was allowed to do the fun stuff… like check statuses and read up on entertainment news.  I felt more productive back then… more organized.  So today I start :)… list and timer… being more careful about being so connected and reachable.

I had been feeling this way for weeks… this morning while having breakfast with some of my favorite friends it was a big source of discussion.  It was good to hear others feel the same way, and a bit of a wake up call to step back and start fixing it.  I fear that my girls won’t see the world around them unless it is through a camera… or pay attention and be safe because they are texting with friends about what snack they have… or that they will lack basic human skills we all need to talk, communicate and read people…

So here I am typing away, because I feel that this is important work, writing my feelings, typing my thoughts, documenting my time and journey.  So this will be part of my allotted time (so I will probably have to write my posts on paper more :)!?!?!)… which I love more anyway.  My best brain work is done on paper… and wouldn’t it be great to see a letter or a card or a journal in 40 years that a human wrote… how sad would my life be if I couldn’t see a card with my Grandma’s handwriting that says “Happy Birthday Lovely”… or cards from my husband back when he was really sweet and ‘in love’… to not see my old notebook with “I love….” scribbled all over it.

I am going back to that.  I will write more thank you’s and notes.  Document more life on paper… leaving a trail for my grand babies.  I will call my mom more and not text her.  I will show my girls the importance of good phone skills and spelling skills.  I will write them notes… I will write journal entries to this blog… I will be better at this.  I will limit my time on a gadget or machine… I will pay better attention to my surroundings.  I will not care so much about who is eating ice cream or drinking coffee with an old friend… I will become more unconnected.  The world won’t be able to bug me, see me, text me or contact me all the time.  It will be good…

How is that for a New Years Change/Reason?  I made it all blog official so now I will have to keep you up to date (in an allotted computer time) on my progress…

Beam Me Up.

Beam Me Up.

I love Taylor, I love Carrie… but Pink really has the most perfect words.  I listen to this song over and over… what would I do with a minute?  After this year, I think I would be ready for a minute… just one.  I think I just want to touch her face again… feel her fingers… see her eyes… and see her smile one more time that isn’t a picture.  I want a tiny video of her in my mind from this year… only that can’t happen. 

January One.

Keeping my little promise… to fill awkward silences. Apparently I feel that you were all waiting to hear what I have to say in the new year… :)…
So since I have nothing really sitting on my brain to chat about, that is positive, funny or just worth writing about I will post 5 good things about today.

  1. After filling my New Years Eve with “The Walking Dead”, “Weeds” and “Despicable Me” until about 1:30 New Year’s morning- Matt and I slept until the girls woke up—— at 10am!!!!! I kind of feel young… except I woke up to say some prayers, watch kids TV and don’t have a hang over.
  2. I didn’t have a hangover today…
  3. I got to dip Trader Joe’s Mini Biscotti in my coffee, until I stood up to take care of a kid and Sparky jumped up and polished off the last two… grrr….
  4. We were pretty productive today, organizing, getting rid of stuff, threatening the girls to get rid of stuff, doing lots of laundry… prepping for the BIG clean after this season…
  5. I put beef stew in the crock pot this morning and the house smells great and there is no afternoon work… just typing a blog post and drinking wine, while my dinner magically cooks…

So… today felt less sad and heavy than yesterday. In a way that makes me sad and in a way happy… maybe it’s because I am working on some mental goals, physical goals and confidence goals… maybe goals and diversions help me move, clean, cook, run, smile, cry, laugh and live… I am unsure what made today lighter, but I do know I feel better with goals and busy and organization.

I hope your January One was simple and good and fresh… I hope you set some goal for improvement and changes and just discovery of yourself…

Happy January One.