Miss?

I miss you, but it is more than miss.  ‘Miss’ is just the word the world uses to describe something we are lacking now.  In that type of term I miss my old Birkenstocks… I miss our family cottage… I miss my little teal neon…

With you, Madeline, the word miss doesn’t touch how I feel.

I hate living without you.  I don’t like going to bed with out three little girls breathing downstairs.  I can’t believe I am still alive without you.  I can not comprehend that life still moves.  It hurts so much to take only two plates, two forks, two cups out of my cabinets.  I absolutely despise not putting three people into car seats and singing Taylor Swift or Justin Beiber or Lady Gaga.  Dance parties with Musto Chicks suck now.  It is so painful to go to the park, the YMCA or out for ice cream with no Madeline.  Halloween, birthday parties and family reunions are absolutely excruciating… it’s shocking that the pain doesn’t kill me.

How the hell does my heart still work?  It still beats, send blood all over and does its job… so confusing.

I guess moral of the story- ‘miss’ is the wrong word.  I think our vocabulary needs a better word.  There must be a word that encompasses the hole that is in my heart and brain and soul and life.  ‘Miss’ just doesn’t touch it.

I love you Mads.  One year ago was terrifying, but at least I could still touch you and see you and hear your heart… how can life happen without you?

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