Grief is exhausting.

grief is exhausting

Man this grief thing is exhausting.  Sometimes I just think is life that is draining me and making my brain crazy.  It is not living that is tiring… it is Madeline’s dieing… it is the feelings and pain and remembering and functioning and moving that are freaking exhausting.  Living keeps me sane, this exhaustion is HEAVY.  I don’t know sometimes how I get from one place to another, how I remember to get to a doctor’s appointment, how I cooked or cleaned, if I followed directions for a project or a game… I can’t believe the world trusts me to be functioning.  Today I am beat… mentally, physically, emotionally… heck probably spiritually and any other way there can be.  I guess the positive is that I am still here… and my girls are safely tucked in bed (probably wearing the clothes that they had on earlier and maybe not that well fed)… and my house is still standing… and I did some sort of workout today… so I guess mission accomplished.  Today = DONE and alive.

This exhaustion has nothing on the kind I am used to… I barely sleep and spent 2 and 1/2 years pregnant and many more nursing a baby and taking care of a bunch of others…  being up all night will a puker or a teether… getting up the next day and playing and cleaning and feeding and wiping and driving and teaching and singing and talking… and that was exhausting.  This is a different kind of drain.  This is a mountain on your shoulders that you are too tired to get out from under but it is heavy and hard and always there.  I don’t know the best way to explain.  I think I am too tired…

I am going to go read and think and hope that Maddie’s all around and okay… I am going to sleep and get up tomorrow to get through another day… maybe tomorrow the mountain will be a little lighter.  Who knows…

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3 thoughts on “Grief is exhausting.

  1. Just came across your blog. Im so sorry for your loss. I know that it probably means nothing, but I am thinking of your family and Madeline.

    I have two little girls myself. They mean the world to me.

    May I ask what was the disease that Madeline passed away from?

    Like

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