missing.

Some days I move and live and function… it is on a strange level… but I am here, and alive.  The things that are hardest for me aren’t the things that most would think… and I am pretty sure most can’t tell it is terribly hard to be in that place or that moment.   Today there was a pile of those moments… wishes you were here, reminders you weren’t…

I miss you lovely.  I miss you today and every single other moment… every morning, every lunchtime, every afternoon, every bus drop off, every snack and dinner… every bedtime that takes forever to get everyone asleep.  I miss that wonderful and raspy voice and giggle… you were going to grow up with my voice (and your Grandma’s)… I miss your perfectly crazy and messy- yet somehow pulled together hair… I miss getting crazy annoyed at having to tie your shoes 1000 times each morning before the bus came (and how I cursed God that it was a way for me to learn to love Matthew and his quirks more)… I miss how proud you were of reading, art projects and tying your shoes… I wish I could hug you again.  I miss your skinny, tall ‘Siragusa’ self… I just knew you were going to have that swimmer and runner body… I miss your book bag and your shoes… I miss the plate color you would want and fight over… I miss hearing you (not Lucy) yell at me in the morning for ‘Juice’ (she is meaner….)… I freaking miss you.  Every single cell that made you.  I miss hearing you play and doing crafts… I miss you playing with your sisters.  You were such a cute boss :).  I don’t know where you got it from ;).  I miss telling you “good morning sunshine, good morning Madeline”.  You were a sleeper, just like your daddy.

I am always so proud to have been the mom chosen for you… but I am jealous that I had only a little time.  Often I can not wait to be 75 (apparently that is when I am good and done with earth)… and met my grandchildren, finished my life adventure list and hopped on the “I am good to go” wagon… I can’t wait for you to hug me.  I can’t wait for you to show me what you have been doing all these years and I can’t wait to bug my other lovelies from Heaven…

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