All that makes now…

It makes my soul smile to see all the progress that our world has made this year, all the people that are changed… all the differences.

When the ‘high’ of the amazing wears off I am left with a real sadness… I wish Maddie were here to see and smile and touch and play and get to enjoy these changes.  I wish she got to play in her Grammie and Grandpa’s back yard while Uncle Jordan chased her around.  I wish she got to bring a big full of elephants to Albany Med and share that with sick children.  I wish she got to play on the playground that she voted on, or the one that is her place at the Y.  I wish she got to see family come to visit her more often.  I wish she got to throw a birthday party for a very sick little boy who’s biggest wish is for friends to bring canned goods to his Birthday instead of gifts.  I wish she got to ride the bus with Amelia and teach Lucy all the new first grade songs she would learn.

I wish a lot of things.  My wishes aren’t really doable… I have to accept that Madeline is here in a different way.  I have to be okay with never seeing her smile while building her playground at the Y.  I have to move and live and enjoy so her sisters remember her happy and our happy.  I have to be glad that the world changed and great things have happened.  I have to know that Maddie loves this all, I have to have faith that my lovely knows.  I have to keep chugging and living and moving and sharing and building and working… so that I can always know I did what she wanted… almost so I can know that she is proud of us…

The world will keep changing and living… I guess a plus is that we have an opportunity to mold some of this… and share our lovely…

 

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