The ‘BAM’ factor.

Standing in my living room… folding laundry, looking out the window… looking at a pair of knee socks from Land’s End… ‘BAM’.  It hits me, these little blue socks with apples on them will never touch Maddie again.  ‘BAM’ … Maddie is gone.  Sometimes it hits hard like a ton of bricks and sometimes it is softer.  Today it was just hard.  Imagine all of a sudden remembering your daughter is dead… and that forever, for you, is without her.  I hate that to visit, or to feel like I visit, Maddie there is a spot and a stone and no Maddie.  I hate it.  I can’t fathom a forever with out her.  Isn’t that strange that my brain and heart still don’t know that she is gone… I think some part of them both moves and lives like she’s here.

Reality is an important and terrifying part of this.  Some days…  I would love to lose my numb… and others I wear it like a jacket and it keeps me warm and alive and functioning…

I miss you darling… in these rainy, stormy and balmy days I miss you… but then again I miss you in the cold, the bright, the dry, the sunny, the dark and every single moment.  Forever is long.  Reality Sucks.

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