A Death, A broken washing machine and a little tornado.

I am sitting here thinking… honestly I can not think of anything to write.  (this should obviously be written in history since it is rare for me to not talk or write or contribute some sort of thought or opinion).

Why can’t my brain think to write?  I think it is darn tired.  I think this brain has had too much too much to think out, too much to get through and too much to stay awake for.  I think this brain is ready for a nap.  I will of course rest my brain in a little while.

For now I want to reflect on a crazy and difficult week.  It was a minute by minute kind of week, literally minute not day.  I made it through every half hour and I am still alive… I guess that is a win right?  I don’t often feel that my life is one full of wins… it is just me getting by in the way I need to, you know?  I don’t feel strong, I hate it when people tell me I am… it makes me feel like a failure.  I think they think I live at least week by week or something… not day by day or minute by minute.  I hate it.  I get my girls up on time almost everyday- most of the time the rest of the day is just a set of motions and movements filled with some happy, sad, silly, energized, tired and all the other stuff.  Seriously I am getting off topic…

Reflect.

Last week started crappy.  After many days of rain and prison, we had a lovely day… and a BBQ.  My brain let me forget that this BBQ was, actually Jack’s Birthday.  It was a perfect, simple and fun celebration of Jack starting his 7th year.  It was full of vibrant first graders and happy people… and I drank wayyyy too much wine, sat in the sun and watched.  I felt loss and a sadness and a missing and a bit of jealousy.  I guess I am human.  I never wish anyone else not to grow, but man it freaking hurts to see them grow.  Jack was going to be Madeline’s prom date and best friend… ugh.  ‘Too much wine Erin’ said something about not having a 7-year-old to celebrate.  Man she is stupid.  I felt so bad on Tuesday…

Then, on Tuesday, I found out one of my best friends dad died, very suddenly, on Monday night.  He was 52.  He was a really awesome man.  He was fun, kind, happy, real… he cared about, was proud of and took amazing care of his daughters and wife.  He was a really special man.  It hit my heart hard… I know Jenn’s pain, her hurt, her journey… it is different from mine, but in ways parts will feel the same.  So the week had many events for Todd and his girls… I think it was exactly how he would have wanted it… and I think his girls will follow his example and take care of each other.

Then our washing machine broke with a WHOLE LOAD OF TOWELS!!!  Ugh.  (good news this Monday will bring a new washing machine and that problem is fixed :))

Wednesday brought a series of random and very rare tornadoes to our neighborhood.  That night not only was my yard ruined and messed up… but I realized that I currently might be losing some of my numb with Madeline’s death but have gained a big pile of fearlessness.  I honestly didn’t care if I died that night.  I knew Matthew had the girls and Sparky safe in his parent’s basement… I would have sat and drank wine while a twister took me out.  From that I realized a couple of things…

  1. I must do the things on my ‘life adventure list’ that are dangerous soon, before I might be too scared later
  2. I am in a place where life isn’t scary and I rarely feel anyone’s anything… and I rarely feel my own self in some ways
  3. This must be a stage or level or something in grief…
  4. I AM NOT SUICIDAL… just unafraid.

So… some reflections… some aren’t sharable right now.  I ask you to throw in some extra prayers that God sends me the right way… and lines up the plan so I know which way to go.

What a week it was… Tomorrow I will wake up and clean up and work on lots… I will do what I can to pull together some of the pieces of this week and we will prepare for a different kind of busy week.  For now I will watch Downton Abbey and decompress :)…

 

❤ you darling lovely.

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