Did you miss me?

I feel like it has been ages and yesterday since I last posted… I feel like I have just hovered and survived these last few weeks.  I would sit to write and I could not find words… good words, bad words, crappy words… no words.  It was an overwhelming few weeks, full of 3-year-old preschool graduation, kindergarten graduation, seeing pictures of recitals and moving up ceremonies, lost teeth and growing kids… a birthday with no lovely human to celebrate turning 7.  On top of that I feel like I have lost a lot of me, unfortunately not in a loss of pounds!  Parts of ‘old’ me keep flying away… I miss her.  In ways she was far too naïve… but I quite liked her.  I feel lost in my marriage… this crap is hard.  I feel like we have just piled hard, exhausted and heavy over the last 7 plus years.  Marriage is hard, marriage with young kids is really hard, marriage with the loss of a child is EXTREMELY hard.

I wish it didn’t hurt me to see the rest of the world grow and live and be ok.  To see them be ‘normal’ in their own sense of ‘normal’… To see them go on dates and laugh and mean it.  I miss that feeling.  I know it isn’t gone forever, right now it’s just hard to feel anything.  I hate being a complainer, a downer, a sad person.  I know that in all the hard and sad there is still a glad, a happy for that child and their family… a happy in other’s happy.  I think I just wanted to check in and write some thoughts.  I am sorry they are scattered… I will be back, a little different every moment but I will be back.

 

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