What a confusing new life this is… to have to sort through feelings while being numb… I know that one is deep and hard to understand. It is so hard to put into words some of the situations and reactions and heavy and numb that are a part of this life. Some days I wish I could rewind 13 years ago… to have kissed Matt and that it just wouldn’t have worked then- it’s my cowardly way to deal with the ‘now’. It’s my wish to not have had to live through all the piles that God keeps putting into my life… seriously doesn’t a girl deserve a flat, pile-less and lighter year?!!?!! I know that the coward walk back through history would not make everything better… I could be in a terrible life with no means to enjoy time and no lovely little Musto Chicks… but man it is tempting to think if I could just go back and change that I wouldn’t be stuck in this hole.
What, you probably wonder, is this hole full of? hard, heavy and numb… a confusing and hard marriage, to my favorite boy… a sense of loss of me- with no hope of finding her soon… the fact that lurking around every corner is something to bite me in the heart- a song, a memory, a realization that Madeline is really gone… 2 girls who I need to carry through this and keep them safe… my angry and sad and mad self that life is not fair and will never just go my own way… my wish, sometimes, for a way out of my skin… what is really inside this hole is a pile of Musto’s trying to find our normal, trying to find ourselves, trying to look into a future- when we can’t see past today… a big pile of messy.
Where the hell is the broom!?!?!?! I am a firm believer in perspective, in everything looking different when you have time to look back at it. God loves retrospect. I am constantly reminded that He has the plan books, He sees the future… we are just here living in a now. I am really just asking Him to start guiding me, in a clear way… to starts softening the bites to my heart. I am sure when I can reflect on the past things will look so different… like Matthew always says ‘hindsight’s 20/20’… I will keep reminding myself of this…
Miss you darling.