Searching for anything.

I struggle daily with the search for something, anything, really that resembles a feeling.  Isn’t that weird?  To desire the ability to feel?  The past few months have kind of shifted me back into my numb place.  On a logical level, I understand that there are too many layers to process, to many life happenings to make sense of and too many similar events to losing Madeline.  These events kind of mimic the loss of Madeline… loss of a little friend, changes in my house and just plain me trying to find a feeling.  It is driving me nuts.

I am really not used to not feeling.  I usually feel everything.  I feel others sadness, others happiness… their guild, anxiety, fear, excitement… all of those things.  I honestly feel no ones anything anymore.  I get rare glimpses of happy or excited… I feel a really strong love for the girls and seeing them happy and content… I feel pain when I know they are sad or hurting… I hate it.  Imagine not feeling anything?  To look at your husband, to have gone through this terrible loss and not feel anything… I know on a different level I feel ‘love’ and ‘safe’ and ‘content’… but really nothing.  It is hard.  It is confusing.  It is messy.  In this big pile of life that we have been handed there are so many emotions and so much history and perspective to organize and sort through- everything is bigger- a fight hurts more, a hug comforts more, mean words hit deeper and kind words help more.  So every detail of life that has made you YOU is bigger… the problems and hard stuff is bigger and the good things about you are more important.  I don’t know if this makes sense…

It is hard to write the way that a lot of this feels when I don’t have feelings… in a way.  I know that they are there- that when Matthew is around my mind knows that I am safe and usually that is when I let a lot of things out.  I know that while sitting at Onja Rose’s funeral service I knew that I don’t want to do this with out him.  Do I feel much more than that?  No.  Is that weird?  I have no idea.  Is it my current normal?  Yes.

I wish I had a feeling.  I wish I felt more than heavy (that is most likely sadness) and tired (which is most likely sad and overwhelmed)… I love the moments that I feel happy and comfortable and content with the girls… I love to see them happy.  I love when I curl up with Matthew and feel good just sitting there… I love when I hug him and get a whiff of him and know I like him a lot.  I wish all of this were more clear… I am very sure that this is part of the ‘new normal’.

What am I hoping for?  I hope that God lifts some of my numb… and lets me feel.  I pray that He guides me and makes clear (somehow) the way… for I am freakin’ tired and unsure and keep second guessing every sign…

 

❤ darling.  Bug me.  I need it.

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