I have walked and run and moved through life lately sans feelings. It was hard to miss Madeline, it was hard to feel love, hate, happy… anything really. I was the most numb I have been in a long time. Life has gotten VERY complicated and confusing and different. I prayed that God would just take some numb… I would like to feel some pain, some grief, more sad… I want to miss Madeline more. Numb is terrible. It is a veil of safety. It removes all that can hurt you, knock you down and make you feel… but feeling is good. To feel happy you must feel sad. To feel joy you must feel pain. To understand loss you must feel missing… all the things my brain hid from me.
Yesterday I feel that some of my brain’s shield dropped and I felt missing and sad and heavy and hard… I felt sick and icky… I felt my grief. I kind of missed it. It keeps me more sane than most can imagine- without it I feel as though I am forgetting and moving in directions I am not full ready for. I am not prepared for any ‘next steps’ in this journey. I am just here… and need to feel out a lot of these things.
It felt good to feel, but then it brought out all the mad and sad and hard and angry and resentful that I carry about other things. It made it a rough weekend to get through and I am kind of glad it is Monday tomorrow… I don’t know. I guess I am just glad it isn’t today. I am going on one day closer to completing or moving or something. I hope that some of this evens out and I am more clear soon. I hate this ‘limbo’ish and unsettled feeling… but alas I am sure it all past of this.
Anyway… just wanted to let you all know that I could feel some things that I have begged for… and that I am still alive… kicking, moving, living and trying… I would usually add running but I sprained my ankle and am actually taking it easy on my poor cankle. I hope to be back to it soon…