Finding a dream.

Tonight I went to a dream workshop, to help you remember and understand your dreams- and find peace in the gift that they are.  I have a hard time remembering my dreams… or know if I dream at all.  I left feeling a sense of lightness and okay and almost happy.  I was in a room with some very open people and I shared my lovely and the only ‘kind of’ dreams I have… which are more of a feeling.  I had a dream that was so real that I know I was feeling Madeline’s hair.  It was a while ago, but I can still go back to that feeling and know that it was real.  I often wish and hope and pray that Madeline will come to me… but maybe I don’t know she did.  I went tonight with an open mind and a real hope that this is where I should be tonight.  I think that was about right.

I think for the first time in a long time (I don’t relax easily) I felt relaxed and open and with no time constraint.  I just breathed and let my mind travel.  I definitely tried to direct my thoughts to a positive thought or focus on Maddie… but was brought right to the only time I can really see.  I went right back to Madeline sick, Madeline getting worse at home and Madeline in the hospital and our last times with her.  I also had the first clear and vivid remembering of her in her casket… looking all lovely and cold and dead… it was weird, sad and hard… but not bad.  I think I think this and nothing before because I NEED to find a place to put it away… and a way to know those event all happened- for sure.  I think I am ready to put them away.  To acknowledge them, accept them and put them in a little box and know that those 5-10 days were a tiny bit of Madeline’s being and soul and spirit.  There was a great and smart group of people whose thoughts brought me to that.  I think I need to let those things go- and to carry on with other things… with Madeline’s life lived well and happy and equal.

We worked on getting to our safe place and going there when we needed it… Picture ourselves in a place we were happy with our lovelies… and they may come.  My brain inventoried, to the last detail, the cottage we stayed in as a ‘Musto Family Unit’… that tiny space that Madeline loved and we all enjoyed… it was weird how many details my brain could recall… down to the rug and the curtains in the girls room.  If I can remember those details I can remember my dreams and find meaning in them… use them for living and knowing and accepting…  Laurel’s thoughts during mediation brought her to Maddie holding Myles hand and skipping… happy, joyful and simple… children.  It makes me smile even though my thoughts brought me to Maddie’s hours before death.  It was a little tiny gift…

I am going to bed soon.  I am going to start a journal.  I am going to state my intentions and hopes… I am going to share my comfortable place and safe space and try to go there… I am going to ‘invite’ Madeline Elizabeth Musto to bug me… I hope she gives me a big freakin’ hug that I can feel.

I love you darling.  Help me live, breathe, move, enjoy, cry and get through the life-junk.

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