I will go out and enjoy a big day- whether it is just us as a family or an event that is honoring and sharing my lovely… the day will be full and fun… sometimes loud and crazy… it will be great. I will get to tell everyone about Madeline and her sisters… her disease and her death… more importantly her life and her legacy. I will spend time being social and smiling and in a way happy… the day will be bright and somewhat hard sometimes.
When the day is done and the dust settles, on comes the feelings and the grief and the overwhelmed and the heavy and the hard. It never fails. I love it and hate it at the same time. I love the pain of remembering in that way, and knowing that she is right here in my brain and heart and not gone. I love the still that comes with this feeling many times… it is a sad calm. This sad calm grounds me and reminds me to stand still and feel and embrace the hurt. I wonder if this will change, if BAM will spread out and only come after every other event or day someday? I am sure it slightly dissipates, that the pain is less with time, in a way. Maybe the pain is no less in this kind of a feeling or day- but we are used to it and it doesn’t sting so badly… maybe we are kind of immune to it on a level. I don’t know.
I have talked and talked and shared and shared and presented and conversed… for like 5 days. I am tired. I needed the BAM and it came. Tonight I am tired and lonely and sitting in a pile of this. I think I will delve deeper and read a special book and catch up on Travelling Mercies (I only let myself read a chapter and then let it sink in)… tonight I will read this book (below) and read about another angel, written by her mom. Tonight I will let the heavy and hard and blech and ick and sad sit on my shoulders… tonight I will let the lonely hit me.