Where did my life go? Living after loss…

I am always so thankful, I say this over and over, for the fact that so many invited me to write and share my lovely… my journey… our story…

A Nation of Moms blog posted another set of my words… thank you very much…


(here are the words)

Where did my life go?  This is a common wonder I have.  Where did the ‘marry my college sweetheart, get a house, get a dog and have lovely set of three girls’ go?  It obviously went somewhere.  Maybe it was always not the way it was anyway… or maybe it is broken right now.  So many parts of that line-up are just so different, now that Madeline is gone.

What changes after this loss?  I think an easier question is what stays the same… and honestly, that would be nothing.  I guess your shoe size stays the same- so scratch that previous answer, I got ahead of myself.  Nothing stays the same… nothing is at it was.  My life is so different now… it is on another level all together.

My parenting changed… I realized that in all of this those lovely ladies are just as changed as me, in different ways.  They lost a role model, a safe… a piece of their heart and world.  They have to grieve and take over certain roles.

Amelia is now ‘THE big sister’… she had to relinquish the middle sister roles… all of the sudden she was the oldest in a way.  The oldest sister has sooooo much responsibility.  That is a hard role to fill and Madeline left big shoes.

Lucy is a real and simple and comical person in all of this.  She is the most knowledgeable and innocent in all of this.  She knows where Madeline is and painlessly pulls Madeline into every single day.

I am a losing parent most days.  I am too tired to fully follow through and make a point… I am thankful often that God gave me ‘pretty-much-well-behaved’ girls and they independently are generally kind and good… because I am too darn tired to do it all.

My marriage has changed…  In fact I often wonder… where the heck is my marriage?  My solid and real marriage… until I remember that I didn’t help build a solid and real marriage.  I was so tired and busy and burnt out from all of the parenting and life of three very little ladies that I forgot to work on the solid and real and important parts of my marriage.  That leaves today… a day when I crave the solid and safe part of my husband… and I am lost.  He is lost.  We are working harder than most can imagine to find our marriage, to be the best parents to our 2 non-angels and to find ourselves in this mess.  We should have been maritally prepared.  We are learning and trying and living… but it is hard.

My ‘me’ has changed… I am so not the person I was… I can’t even remember her.  I am less caring, more even-natured, and overall just less emotional.  I have lost the ability to feel most feelings… which is strange and weird to me- but makes sense.  I mean who could get through the layers of feelings that I have?  The layers of loss?… So my mind numbs those feelings.  I sometimes step out of the numb, but many things have brought me back to the numb place.  I hate it numb… it means no real and deep feelings of pain… but also of joy, happy, excited and okay.  What is life without happy, excited, joyful and okay????  There is no time for the ‘me’ of the past.  She did so many crafts and projects and finished… this Erin is so much less organized and crafty… I overthink so much with the ‘real’ world and meanings inside of it.  I mean seriously Erin who cares if you make homemade birthday favors or take hours to create a perfect and personalized gift??? That is a waste… but is it really?  I feel so happy to see Madeline’s friends still wear and cherish the tiny hand painted ‘Madeline’ Peg person I spent hours making… that is kind of priceless to me… but the time is so expensive now.  I don’t doubt that life will bring me time… Life and God have brought me, in a way, everything I have ever needed.  Was it what I wanted or asked for? … Rarely.

My perspective has changed.  I see the world in a different light.  I see people as being temporary.  I see nothing as permanent.  Think about it… what is permanent.  What lasts forever?  Granted, I am glad that I am not here forever, forever is a really long time.  I am all good when the time comes that I get to rest and go be with Madeline, all good.  My overall view of life and living has changed… even this numb shell of me.  My shell knows that life is great, living is fun and enjoying is a need.  That shell takes my girls to the beach, creates adventures and inserts diversions when the need is there… but the shell is numb.  The shell of me is (who I like to think is skinny and lovely) taking care of living and enjoying- even if ‘real Erin’ can’t.  I miss the days that I knew I would have 3 special and different daughters go to college and grow up… 3 wonderful bits of Matthew and I take on the world in their own way… I wish I could think about that now.  Instead I live in a day to day to day… and moment to moment to moment life.  Instead I know my loss when I think about it… and I have 2 amazing, smart, silly and individual ladies to do the best that this shell of Erin can do right now.  College is a LONG time away.  So my perspective has resorted to a day to day to day… and moment to moment… it is a perspective knowing that children die, people let you down and life is hard… God doesn’t let us pick the outcome and will guide you along the way… it is freakin’ hard.

I miss ‘me’, Madeline, Matthew, Amelia and Lucy, life… bits of my perspective… I miss so much.  I know that God will make it more livable and survivable… and will really know that when I can look back, in retrospect.  I know that I am ok.  I am alive.  I love my lovelies.  I am tired.  I love Matthew Musto.  I love ‘me’.  I freakin’ miss Madeline and love her so much… I miss her skin and heart and hair like no one can know… I miss naïve Erin.  I miss life sans ‘shell of Erin’… but alas this is where life has gone… where it now goes- only God knows.


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