I had 2 good outside, sunny and strong runs this week. BOOYAH! (I don’t know if people say that anymore but there it is)
It felt great to feel the running again, though I am sure I need new sneakers. This whole summer was filled with hurdles that I didn’t have the energy to maneuver and get over. I had to kind of accept that running and working out were last on my list of survival for a while. I lost most of my confidence in my work out, my drive to finish and my brain medicine. I lost all of that. I am having a hard time finding it again, but know it is still in me. These runs were a step to finding that… a foot to ground, wind and sun and cooler fall air… a great couple of runs.
Today I let myself think that maybe some big goal is possible next year… looking ahead is really hard for me. To think that maybe I might commit to a big and long race again is scary and exciting. Today my mind travelled farther than tomorrow. I think that is a big leap for me lately. I am still mad at myself for acquiring an extra 20 pounds this past year… I am annoyed that I let myself and hope that a good schedule of good runs, strong workouts and time will help me send those 20 pounds somewhere else… I am hoping that with some of the confidence gained and goals my mind thought about I can start to use running as my brain fixer again and not food… see more of my people and less of my lonely Downton Abbey and Breaking Bad nights with lots of lonely wine… I hope I can start to find that me that had push, had fight, had motivation… she was a force to be reckoned with.
I always remember how proud Madeline was of me running… though she always told me she was faster. She was very proud of my Marathon… I wish I had brought her to cheer me on. I remember showing her and her friend Jack the week after my Marathon how far 26.2 miles were (Jack’s dad was running a marathon while I was driving them to a birthday party)… she was very impressed that I had run as far as we had driven for a birthday party… I miss my lovely little racer. I think she would have done track or cross country… or swin team. So many things I never did, she will never do either.
I am back my dear… back to your running mama… finding me… love you darling…