I love Ronan by Taylor Swift. Her words and voice and real… I get it. The drive home I remember clearly… I remember the feel of Madeline, and putting in her pearl earring before we left… I remember feeling sad and weird like we were leaving her with someone else. I remember wondering if they would take good care of her and the very last time I looked into my backseat with 3 car seats was those moments. Tonight I wish she were here for a fun Halloween with her sisters… what would she be? Something proper I am sure, something cute. I like to think, maybe know, that it would be creative and fun and simple. Her cowgirl was easy and she wanted to wear her boots and hat and then BADLY wanted a sheriff star with her own name on it…
I miss you darling. I miss you more than I could describe, or understand. Days like tomorrow are BIG HARD days of holes where you should be…
Listen and cry… Taylor got it… and she shared and it and she continues to. Thank you to the lovely and talented Taylor Swift.
In the past few days I have barely been on Facebook or working on emails (which means I am behind on work- but I will get there)… I have hung out with the girls more, semi cleaned my house more, thought about the time I used on Facebook and looking at others lives… and I think I am better! Seriously, I think I should have taken a break long ago.
A few weeks ago our counselor talked to me about taking St John’s Wort as a mood booster and maybe a little help with my heart and mind dealing with all the hard crap that life keeps handing me. I have slept better since and I feel a little lighter (and not on the scale… damnit). I think I feel a little better, and a little is a big step in this world.
On top of that… I lost my phone and became disconnected by accident. The next day I read the article that I shared and it got me thinking… and thinking… and considering. I think this is a big step toward finding some of the happy… at least the okay. I quite like that the world can’t bug me. I will get a phone but am VERY much leaning toward/pretty sure I will only have text enabled and phone. I don’t need to be multitasking and running and rushing and answering emails and messages and facebook messages and questions and calls- immediately. I mean seriously, who really needs me immediately?!!? More often than not I place that ‘immediately’ need on the message, email, call, text, etc. I created a brain that is sooooooo used to doing those things immediately that I am ALWAYS doing them. I feel stress when I am not. The past 3 days I feel less stress about that, because it isn’t possible. I am going to make it impossible all the time :). I am determined to set up a time that I do work, and stick to it. There will have to be flexibility, my job is kind of all over… kids schools, workout, meetings for Maddie’s Mark, playground stuff, articles that are due, letters, setting up ‘best days ever’ and setting up and attending events. It is a great and amazing and fulfilling job and life… but I want to see the life part more. I will (and if you know me, and how I treat a challenge to myself then you know I will work hard) see more time and good and happy and easy and low stress and less work… I will.
There I go again, sharing a goal. Now you get to help my stay in line and work on it… now you get to learn from my mistakes and look into your connected or disconnected lives and see what you love or hate or what to change or need to stay the same… opportunity to live better, deeper, happier, more fulfilling and more attainable.
Yesterday I lost my phone. It is weird how it has impacted me- heavy and sad but also lighter and glad. I know quite the spectrum… let me explain.
I was scared about the fact that someone had access to all of my information and some of my pictures that I can’t replace… even hurts to think that someone could steal my phone. I always think I am surrounded by amazing people… and I am safe. It is kind of heartbreaking to be reminded on mean and bad and unkind. I don’t know for sure that it was stolen and pray that it turns up in a diaper bag or car or something… but the thought of someone taking it hurts. It makes you realize how vulnerable we are… so much information was available and maybe looked at. It also feels like I am missing something. I lost another thing. Which in the grand scheme of life is not an important thing, it isn’t a living thing… but it is a piece of me. I feel naked and am reminded often how much I used it… as a watch, timer, time waster, planner, alarm clock, music player, white noise creator and many more things… not to mention a feeling of safety just to have.
On the flip side:
I don’t miss my phone. I like not being reached and the fact that I literally only checked my email for a few minutes and facebook to see if anyone had found my phone… it was liberating. I have been thinking a lot to go to a phone/text only old school way of life for a while. Maybe this is sign… maybe it is my motivator. Along with those thoughts, my friend posted an article and I quickly read it. It about sums up me lately… and life. Not that I think it will be easy to refind a ‘happy’ given the loss and crazy we have had… but it could be a step in the direction. So read this article and let me know what you think… I am going to work on it. Maybe some of the hard behavior is a product of this crazy, messy and distracted world.
All of the time. Miss your dimple, smile and simple… I FREAKIN” miss you Madeline.
Today marked the end of an era in our grief journey… just after Madeline passed we were set up at Haven Schenectady for grief work. Haven is a really different approach to families and people on the grieving journey. Instead of counseling and giving advice and going ‘by the textbooks’… Haven is built on a Companionship Model. It is exactly what we needed- my girls and I. We needed someone to walk with us and listen… someone to share their experiences… someone to be there. I think in our experience the neighbor-helping-neighbor was such a positive impact for us. My girls loved meeting with their Art Therapist. She worked with them, encouraged them and supported them. Sometimes it was just a happy afternoon activity doing art and music and play… other times she helped and recognized feelings that were exhibited during play. It helped me, it helped them. My counselor became, to me, one of my people… an important part of my week. I could feel the difference of a week off, when we couldn’t meet. I could feel the ‘pent up’ heavy… that I needed to share and talk about. She helped me see bits of me, changes in me and listened to my crazy. I will miss our Wednesday afternoon meetings, more than most can comprehend.
I feel like we are losing another person in a way… all of this loss piles up. All of the hard and heavy can really wear on a person. I am sick of missing things and people. I miss looking forward to certain things and having them work out and be right. I know, just as I know that I will be ok, that we will find a niche in a new ‘Haven’ or safe space. I will say that our Haven can never be replaced though. I believe we were brought together with Haven and our companions at just the right moment… I don’t know if I am ready to lose them. I guess I don’t get to choose… I will carry those angels with me forever, I know the girls will too. Our Wednesday afternoons with Villa Italia Gelato dates are over… but I wont forget them. Some weeks those were our very best days.
Check out Haven of Schenectady and if you happen to know a group who could save them and their program- contact me or them…
So I always hope that one of my girls will be a doctor… and I think God made Madeline that way. I still hold out for a doctor- I so badly wanted to be a doctor when I grew up. I think Amelia is going to be a singer or something… that girl has been singing, humming, whispering, making beats and creating noises since she was little. This weekend she not only met an up-and-coming Country Star but she got herself her first guitar and microphone set… and the singing, playing, performing and practicing sounds in the mic have only stopped when she is at school. I have no idea if she will grow to be famous, I only want her happy. I know that she is happy, content and concentrating best when making music or noise.
I wonder if this will be a way for her to share Madeline or if that is thinking too big. I wonder if it will be her outlet, as she grows and changes. I wonder if she will stick with it and carry her love and skill into her future. I wonder what she will love to sing and perform as she grows…
A random thought and way to remember the ‘when’ in case she becomes the next Taylor Swift… have a lovely night, mine will be full of loud and lovely singing and a crazy girl practicing humming into the mic (very annoying sound)…