Just.keep.swimming…

I think that is the best saying for life lately… or maybe it would be Frank (the Tank) telling Marissa “Just keep truckin'”… who knows. I do know that this ‘new normal’ is exhausting me (yes this crazy person with lots of energy and desire to change the world is tired). This new crazy and hard aspect of my marriage and lack of knowing what to do is… killing me (for lack of a better expression). I know, I know God totally isn’t ready for me to be gone, but it must be close to the worst most hard it could be here… WHERE IS THE BOTTOM?!?!!?!? I was hoping to hit it soon, so I could just go up?!?!!?

I freakin’ miss life. I miss normal. I miss Madeline. I miss barbeques. I miss crafting. I miss entertaining, and wanting to entertain. I miss life with lots of friends (they are still there I am just a shut-in lately)… I miss not-so-messy family trips… I miss when we were a family on a trip. Imagine one day, waking up and no longer having your family as you know it. I am faced with this EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

I am alive, sometimes happy, sometimes sad. I am here (mostly some might argue not-so-mostly). I am doing the best I can. I am finding me. I am searching for Matt. I am enjoying and hiding from my girls. I am moving when I can. I am sharing what I need. I am freakin’ alive. I am SHOCKED at how hard it can be to just be alive?!?!?! I mean, what does it feel like to be ok, and have energy? I can’t remember. I am confused and mad and sad and jealous fairly often… I wish life could be different. I wish that, and then something will happen to change my brain… and show me that I have and have had it all… that this is the journey. Often I am good with that… my journey, my family, my path and my life… but today I am hurting. Today I miss all of those things… today I wonder and hope that God will BAM me with some hope, some guidance or some way to know…

❤ you darling. BUG.ME.SOON… no please needed.

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