Once upon a time…

Once upon a time there lived an girl who met a boy… the story goes like normal and crazy… and bada-bing-bada-boom… that boy and girl end up with three little lovelies, a dog, a house, a normal stressful life and a catastrophe.

I used to get it. I used to know. Now a days I am a pile of uncertainty. Do I want this, do I love him? Can I do this, will we make it? Will I survive to bedtime, will tomorrow feel better? Sometimes it is unfortunate that I just ‘survive’ to bedtime… and I didn’t live more or better… What a stupid life to just get by. What would it be like to feel alive again? It has been forever. It has been forever since I have gone out, gone on a date, seen a comedy show, laughed until my stomach hurt and I cried… it has been a lifetime, at least. I am a broken record, in a way, going around and skipping parts and repeating parts. Which should I repeat, which should I erase… which should I change and carry with me? I am tired and burnt out and just confused. What is the right way or the right answer… I ask all of the time. I feel far from God right now though, and far from Mads. I don’t really know why that is. Have I kind of found her in things? Am I fighting opening up? Do I wonder why everything keeps getting crazy and complicated? I think all of the above.

I struggle very much lately with knowing the direction to go with Matthew… to move forward or just move on. I know, I know so many have words of encouragement and advice… but I don’t need them. I need you to pray that God will guide me. That in my moments of real uncertainty He will help me find him again. I need you to pray I am smart enough to go the right way, kinder in my mad and that I am more patient. I need you to pray that I can look into to tomorrow, just tomorrow, and know that I have gone the right way. I need you to pray that I find Him again… That I am sure again. I miss her. Life without Madeline isn’t real. Life working and trying and fighting with Matthew in this is killing me. It drains me of so much… I was so sure God made him for me… to make a Maddie and a Meme and a Lucy… and right now it feels like it isn’t true. I might not be. Pray that He guides me the way that is right and best… that I can be brave and follow. Then stand back, keep praying and smile when He guides us and we know… even if it isn’t the way I planned…

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