What an amazing girl, so strong and brave. It is such a gift to leave for her family- the words and song, her voice. Her song was so meaningful… her voice was so beautiful and hard to hear. It brings me back to Madeline and the changes in her voice and tone… what an amazing girl. Olivia will change the world… her heart, soul and voice will live forever. Her family has so much hard to face with out her, missing her. They will find great comfort in knowing that she is remembered by so many, that her voice lives on and that she will change the world.
❤ Olivia Wise
Help Support her family and their mission- (http://my.sickkidsdonations.com/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=2168039&langPref=en-CA)
Sometimes in life we must just move, in some direction or another. I feel like that today. I feel that I must make decisions and move and try as hard as we can to enjoy and get by… and in a way leave others behind if they can’t move right now. I can’t stay still anymore. In this world we are always faced with choices… this is the choice that I must make. I must live, find, explore, enjoy, survive and move… I can not stay in this spot. I don’t know if I like this choice. I don’t know if it is the right choice. I don’t know. I feel pulled to make this choice.
I ask often for God to send me in a direction, maybe I won’t feel it is the right direction, but in a direction. This is one of those ‘directions’. I am jumping off a ledge and diving into something… I hope He has my back and knows the way. I have faith, I have solid faith. What is that saying “we walk by faith and not by sight”… that is my right now. I will follow this path with my girls and hope that this is the best way for our journey to head. In this I must leave behind my partner, in a way. I must leave him behind and hope that he finds us. He is in a place that is so wrapped up in his own brain and thoughts and ideas and hopes and fears and anxieties and self and mess… my mess isn’t healthy for him, and I have travelled next to him trying to help him with his mess, trying to be there. I think I must travel away from his mess. If we are meant to combine messes later we will, I am sure.
Holidays can never be the same. I have a mess. I have a mess that most of you do not. Missing Madeline takes so much happy from my days, our days. I look forward and fear the holidays. Matt is not present, can not make choices and is so confused. He still, to this moment, doesn’t know if he will spend this Thanksgiving with us. It hurts my heart. In this though, sitting with his nondecision and bad choices, I know that I must move in a direction. I must find a safe, fun place for the girls and I to ‘be’. I wish he would come. Who knows at the last moment he might… but judging by history I will hope and wait and he won’t come. Holidays are never the same. This family with big holes in it. I have hope that someday we will enjoy this time and know that Madeline is in this void and she is here… and that my family isn’t falling apart.
In retrospect this world always looks so different…
When I think it can not get more confusing it does. When I think it can not get colder or that I can not be more cold- both go the other way. When I think that we can make a regular, normal family choice (like what to do for thanksgiving) we can’t. Months and months of confusing and hard to read, back and forth, hot and cold… tired and restless… everything that make a marriage feel like the hardest freakin’ thing you could be living through. Which is not at all how the world describes marriage… how people display and share their lovely and powerful and amazing unions. We should be hugging, enjoying, laughing, going on dates, living in the same place, moving in some direction… alive even??!?!? It is disappointing that we aren’t. All of those things I wish for, but I have this. I have a mess of a life, a pile of hard stuff to put into a safe place in order to live, breathe, enjoy, cry and move. If I knew now…
Step back Erin.
Would I have changed it, or wished for someone else’s something? I am sure sometimes I would… but… generally I can handle my life. I know my limits and boundaries and goals (ish)… What if I took a different road and my journey were so different? No other set of people in this world could have created a Madeline, an Amelia or Lucy… no one could have lived those days they way they needed or gotten through these days. No set of parents or marriage knows how to handle this journey. It is different for all. I don’t know what the future looks like, hell we can’t even plan Thanksgiving, but I know that this is exactly the journey that I (we) need to be on to get to where we are heading. I know that. I wish God would shed some light on the paths and help us find some happy adventures… but maybe He has something planned. Just know that in all of this- even with those fleeting thoughts of jealousy- I am proud of my lovelies, I love my Matthew, I love our home, I like my little family, whatever that looks like right now. I know that I have piles of pain and hard in lots of moments that others don’t. I know that I have confusing and difficult and heavy issues with my Matthew. I know this all, and own it. It is my family, my reality, my life, my journey… even with those fleeting thoughts of jealousy I get my own people… not yours, not your friends… just mine. I think God for that everyday, well almost (I will be making sure I don’t forget from now on).
… and so today starts as a good day, in the world of ‘getting Amelia dressed, on the bus and still happy’. Thank you Jesus. He must have known that I was very tired… So small victory in the realm of parenting. This quote makes me laugh though. My sister posted it to my wall today, after a terrible morning yesterday. It was my first smile, giggle of the day.
Funny thing is I totally get it. Last night I was so MAD, I felt just like the crazy blue eyed girl that threw her ‘anger management’ Hospice glitter globe down the driveway. I felt just like her. So mad. After about an hour and a half of fast heart beats and crying like crazy I think I fell a little asleep… then I woke up about 3 times to ‘knowing that we had a robber’… a fear that keeps me up often. Happened to see on every news channel and newsfeed of people who live near me that there have been 9 robberies in our neighborhood… and since we have already had a very scary situation that we had to replace doors, windows and I lost my sense of security… I don’t sleep well. So thankfully… the sweet and kind and 5 pound Baby Jesus sent me some extra love and sunshine this morning…
I am so flattered and thankful for Jan’s words (www.anidealmom.com). I don’t often think of myself as crazy strong or inspirational. Mostly I am just alive and doing what I am drawn to do…
Thank you Jan again… here is the lovely blog post she wrote about my journey and future… and sharing Madeline…
Leave Jan some love, follow her… she is lovely. Enjoy the lovely pictures :).
In this world that we live in now, occasionally I have to see the bad. I forget sometimes that there are bad people in this world. I have surrounded myself with so many of the best.people.ever… and I live in this bubble, I guess. I don’t not know that there are wars, that people blow up buildings, that kids have learned by example and knowing its possible to shoot people at their school… I know these things. I see them. I know that my cell phone was probably stolen. I know that my house was robbed a few years ago and it is still hard for me to sleep through the night and not hear someone breaking in. I know that people are murdered, injured and hurt all.the.time.
I am a firm believer in the helpers. I am a helper, I raise my lovelies to be helpers. We surround ourselves with helpers. Our normal is ‘helpers’…
Tonight I was on Facebook and in my updates or feed it told me that ‘Robert ….’ liked Maddie’s Mark Foundation, then he shared, then he liked many pictures. My alarm went off. I went to his Facebook page and saw that he ‘liked’ and shared all of these pages with Maddie’s on them. Foundations, friend, etc… I was- at the same time- sick with anger and disgust and ready to get him off of the page that has my lovely associated and shared on. Our tech person managed to block and take him off our page. She deleted pics that he liked so they aren’t there… I guess we could say all is safe and fine in Facebook land. Not true.
Not True. I hate feeling violated. I hate when people make me feel unsafe. I travel this world trying to stay safe and sane and keep my girls safe and my Matthew safe. All I have of Madeline to share I must keep safe. These people and pictures are my life. I wish people could be different. How could someone live, breathe, move and enjoy life while making others lives unsafe? What kind of programing makes that person different than me? Ugh. It is too much to think about really. I am now more aware and will go forward with this fear and knowledge and move a little differently. I hate assuming bad in people though. I will not change me, just think about what people can see or share. I will pray that people with intentions like that find a different outlet- and not another Maddie. I will hope they… who knows. I will hope that they find another outlet… that is all. That God helps them find a way to not make others feel unsafe.
I love to share. I know that my life, our story, Madeline’s moments and my family’s future is something we need to share.
Man, I love autumn like every other sane New Yorker, love the 4 seasons, love the cooler and darker lifestyle… well I love how it makes me slow down and stay home and just be in our house… BUT I just spent 3 days working on the leaves in my yard and still have another afternoon at least. UGH. It is good work. It is a good workout. It let me think lots and be in the sun… and it pooped me out. I don’t regret taking on the task and not hiring someone but remind me next year how much work it was this year please!
I really want to take the girls to NYC on a bus tour and see the Rockettes- I have always wanted to go but never have. I also need new tires and my cell phone is ancient (functioning and working but not the easiest one to use)… so I can’t really justify getting my yard raked if I am perfectly capable to doing it myself… right? I would also love, love, love to call a cleaning company and get a really good cleaning in the next couple of weeks… it would feel so good to do that… so raking the leaves it is. Man, I wish they were done and I was sitting inside tonight feeling all accomplished and eating stew or roast chicken… knowing that I don’t have to think about yard work for this week :)… oh well. Here I am complaining and whining- when I should be out there raking.
Off to rake. Sorry for the rant. Enjoy your lovely Sunday… I am sure the Erin that doesn’t complain so much will be back tonight :)…
I have been trying to reach out to my friends more lately… I have kind of been a hermit for months and need them. Easiest way to see them (Without promising hot tub and wine ;))… was a convenient tea date meet up. I wanted to check out a new Tea Shoppe central to our YMCA and kiddos so I thought today was a great day to do that. It was lovely… lots of laughing, lots of conversations, lots of burdens lifted and lighter spirits when we left. It was a great space, warm and open and clean and comfy. We gathered around on big funky chairs and talked and laughed and yelled. I believe there was much conversation about Justin Timberlake coming to town… 50 Shades of Grey books and plays… crazy lives and birthday parties… weekend plans… if you could think it we talked about it. Its so funny and easy when we are all together. Not all of my amazing people could come, but today was… good enough, I guess… would be the best description. I love those ladies. I am thankful everyday that they move mountains every day and carry us… I am thankful that they love Madeline… I am grateful that they are here. I don’t know if I would be if I didn’t have them.
After thanking and apologizing for a rather loud (sober) meet up we headed back to grab our kids and get on with our days. If they are anything like me I left lighter (I weighed more after having discovered a vegan cookie…)… I left easier and a little happier. What would I do with out those crazy, lovely, special, tired, happy, silly, regular, amazing, real and inspirational ladies?
Thank you ladies… thank you God for gifting us these people. Now I will sit down, enjoy taco dinner and some wine… I will go to bed lighter and less drained… I will go to bed knowing that I am lucky and supremely blessed.
(ps if I missed you at Tea- you probably know that you are important and amazing to me)
I love putting Lucy to bed and snuggling into her just one more time… telling her “MMMM… Lucy’s just taste so good… best.lucy.ever”.
What I love most about it is burying my head into her chest and hearing her heart beat. I used to listen to Madeline’s a lot… I don’t do it so much to Amelia. I just kiss her and tell her, “best.meme.ever… I love you booger butt”. Lucy though has this snuggle and soft about her… for all that crazy boy she exudes, she’s a softy. I love to hear her heart. Its such a calming sound for me. I still can hear Madeline’s heart just before she died… it was so different than before. I am glad I could still hear it while I could, though. I like the way my head fits onto Matthew’s shoulder/chest to hear his heart beat. I don’t know what it is about hearts… they are just these amazing little organs- devices that keep us alive… until they don’t beat anymore. Strange post I know, but just wanted to let my thoughts out. I like looking back and knowing that I wrote down certain thoughts- you know in case I forget or go crazy or become a different ‘me’.
I look forward to Lucy’s heart beats… she is totally going to think I am weird when she is older and I still put my head there to hear. Oh well- weird is a good place for me. I have never fit into any mold… and in most recent years have not even tried… I’ll stick with weird mommy, and pray that until my heart stops beating I can still snuggle up my Lucy, feel her warm and cozy and listen to her heart beats…
miss you lovely… miss your lil heart beeps.