Yesterday I started tackling the closets… the big one full of the girls last season and next season stuff and the closet that they rip apart every day. I have known I needed to do this for a while, pulling stuff that is too little, putting Meme’s things away for Lucy, sending extra dresses and stuff to a friend and putting Madeline’s things away in a separate tub.
Today marks the last big tub of Madeline’s things being put away. There will never be another piece of artwork for me to organize for her, never be another season of clothing I must shift for her sisters… never be another anything. The strangest and saddest part is that her sisters are outgrowing all of the things I have gotten to see them wear and remember Madeline. Amelia will never wear the Gymboree hoodie dress with leggings… she is far too tall now. The last of Madeline’s hand-me-downs have been handed down and put away. It is a like a little piece in this pile is going to be missing again. The realization that Amelia, my middle daughter, is older than my oldest daughter. She turned 6 the other day… and another stepping stone was met without Madeline. There are so many to prepare for in our future… we still haven’t lost a tooth in our house… but I know that will come soon. I am just sad to think that my lovely Madeline’s entire life fits into a few totes… thankfully we have pictures everywhere to share, her Foundation to share her, her playground to see other children enjoy her, her ‘spot’ for us to find peace and quiet… it just hits my heart hard that there will never be another… milestone, shopping spree, backpack to be bought, book to be read, homework to be done… lot’s of never-ever’s for her.
I don’t know how forever comes with out her, I am blown away that it has been close to 2 years since I have seen her, touched her or listened to her heart beat. I guess just keep movin’, chuggin’, livin’, workin’ and bringing her with us.
Love you darling. best.maddie.ever. We miss you like crazy.