So I can not end today with out being honest and sharing that I, mom who has lost a daughter to cancer and loves her girls very much, COULD NOT WAIT FOR THEM TO GO TO BED. What.a.day.
I think I have hung out with the girls, pretty much fully, since November 3. Yes do the math… like 8ish days!?!?!?! Matthew has been nuts at work and my only no-kid-night was a wedding that was so lovely and fun and special… but too short! I am freakin’ pooped. We travelled back from my hometown today (3+ hours) and I heard chatter, singing and talking… we got home and I needed quiet. I missed Maddie. She is now my peace and quiet. She is my only child that listens to me and lets me share every.single.moment.and.emotion. We came back from a crazy family weekend, just the girls and I, to a Wave Riders meeting (Hospice Support Group) and I was ready to end the night. All I really wanted was to not hear chatter, yelling and giggle. I know, seriously, what kind of mom am I?
The girls went to bed at 8 and I am a new person. I feel better. I have gone to bed with them and woken up with them for the past couple days. I love those crazy chicas- but they poop me out. I am so much better when I put some peace and quiet (Maddie) into my time. I used to have to go to her ‘spot’ to find peace and connect. Now… it is just a bubble that comes to me wherever I am. I just need to be apart from the rest of the world to feel it. Ahhh…. my shoulders are lower, my breathing is better and I feel more ‘here’… I put the girls to bed before I went all ‘crazy mean mommy’ on them… I will go give them an extra kiss and snuggle though. I hate when they go to bed and know I am stressed or mad… but man they were nuts today… and many days!
So for all those parents who are perfect, I apologize-ish. I love those ladies. I miss my lovely. I do the very best I can. I am here. I am the best Erin I know how to be… but I am freakin’ tired. I am freakin’ tired. Goodnight world…