Honesty is the best policy.

So I can not end today with out being honest and sharing that I, mom who has lost a daughter to cancer and loves her girls very much, COULD NOT WAIT FOR THEM TO GO TO BED.  What.a.day.

I think I have hung out with the girls, pretty much fully, since November 3.  Yes do the math… like 8ish days!?!?!?!  Matthew has been nuts at work and my only no-kid-night was a wedding that was so lovely and fun and special… but too short!  I am freakin’ pooped.  We travelled back from my hometown today (3+ hours) and I heard chatter, singing and talking… we got home and I needed quiet.  I missed Maddie.  She is now my peace and quiet.  She is my only child that listens to me and lets me share every.single.moment.and.emotion.  We came back from a crazy family weekend, just the girls and I, to a Wave Riders meeting (Hospice Support Group) and I was ready to end the night.  All I really wanted was to not hear chatter, yelling and giggle.  I know, seriously, what kind of mom am I?

The girls went to bed at 8 and I am a new person.  I feel better.  I have gone to bed with them and woken up with them for the past couple days.  I love those crazy chicas- but they poop me out.  I am so much better when I put some peace and quiet (Maddie) into my time.  I used to have to go to her ‘spot’ to find peace and connect.  Now… it is just a bubble that comes to me wherever I am.  I just need to be apart from the rest of the world to feel it.  Ahhh…. my shoulders are lower, my breathing is better and I feel more ‘here’… I put the girls to bed before I went all ‘crazy mean mommy’ on them… I will go give them an extra kiss and snuggle though.  I hate when they go to bed and know I am stressed or mad… but man they were nuts today… and many days!

So for all those parents who are perfect, I apologize-ish.  I love those ladies.  I miss my lovely.  I do the very best I can.  I am here.  I am the best Erin I know how to be… but I am freakin’ tired.  I am freakin’ tired.  Goodnight world…

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One thought on “Honesty is the best policy.

  1. Thank you for your honesty! I truly feel that parents who try to convince others that they never feel this way are lying to themselves and the whole world…your honesty validates me and I am sure many others! You are an amazing mommy and sister-in-law!

    Like

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