Hard Choices, Chilly parades and confusing nights…

When I think it can not get more confusing it does.  When I think it can not get colder or that I can not be more cold- both go the other way.  When I think that we can make a regular, normal family choice (like what to do for thanksgiving) we can’t.  Months and months of confusing and hard to read, back and forth, hot and cold… tired and restless… everything that make a marriage feel like the hardest freakin’ thing you could be living through.  Which is not at all how the world describes marriage… how people display and share their lovely and powerful and amazing unions.  We should be hugging, enjoying, laughing, going on dates, living in the same place, moving in some direction… alive even??!?!?  It is disappointing that we aren’t.  All of those things I wish for, but I have this.  I have a mess of a life, a pile of hard stuff to put into a safe place in order to live, breathe, enjoy, cry and move.  If I knew now…

Step back Erin.

Would I have changed it, or wished for someone else’s something?  I am sure sometimes I would… but… generally I can handle my life.  I know my limits and boundaries and goals (ish)… What if I took a different road and my journey were so different?  No other set of people in this world could have created a Madeline, an Amelia or Lucy… no one could have lived those days they way they needed or gotten through these days.  No set of parents or marriage knows how to handle this journey.  It is different for all.  I don’t know what the future looks like, hell we can’t even plan Thanksgiving, but I know that this is exactly the journey that I (we) need to be on to get to where we are heading.  I know that.  I wish God would shed some light on the paths and help us find some happy adventures… but maybe He has something planned.  Just know that in all of this- even with those fleeting thoughts of jealousy- I am proud of my lovelies, I love my Matthew, I love our home, I like my little family, whatever that looks like right now.  I know that I have piles of pain and hard in lots of moments that others don’t.  I know that I have confusing and difficult and heavy issues with my Matthew.  I know this all, and own it.  It is my family, my reality, my life, my journey… even with those fleeting thoughts of jealousy I get my own people… not yours, not your friends… just mine.  I think God for that everyday, well almost (I will be making sure I don’t forget from now on).

 

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