Holiday Hards…

Sometimes in life we must just move, in some direction or another.  I feel like that today.  I feel that I must make decisions and move and try as hard as we can to enjoy and get by… and in a way leave others behind if they can’t move right now.  I can’t stay still anymore.  In this world we are always faced with choices… this is the choice that I must make.  I must live, find, explore, enjoy, survive and move… I can not stay in this spot.  I don’t know if I like this choice.  I don’t know if it is the right choice.  I don’t know.  I feel pulled to make this choice.

I ask often for God to send me in a direction, maybe I won’t feel it is the right direction, but in a direction.  This is one of those ‘directions’.  I am jumping off a ledge and diving into something… I hope He has my back and knows the way.  I have faith, I have solid faith.  What is that saying “we walk by faith and not by sight”… that is my right now.  I will follow this path with my girls and hope that this is the best way for our journey to head.  In this I must leave behind my partner, in a way.  I must leave him behind and hope that he finds us.  He is in a place that is so wrapped up in his own brain and thoughts and ideas and hopes and fears and anxieties and self and mess… my mess isn’t healthy for him, and I have travelled next to him trying to help him with his mess, trying to be there.  I think I must travel away from his mess.  If we are meant to combine messes later we will, I am sure.

Holidays can never be the same.  I have a mess.  I have a mess that most of you do not.  Missing Madeline takes so much happy from my days, our days.  I look forward and fear the holidays.  Matt is not present, can not make choices and is so confused.  He still, to this moment, doesn’t know if he will spend this Thanksgiving with us.  It hurts my heart.  In this though, sitting with his nondecision and bad choices, I know that I must move in a direction.  I must find a safe, fun place for the girls and I to ‘be’.  I wish he would come.  Who knows at the last moment he might… but judging by history I will hope and wait and he won’t come.  Holidays are never the same.  This family with big holes in it.  I have hope that someday we will enjoy this time and know that Madeline is in this void and she is here… and that my family isn’t falling apart.

In retrospect this world always looks so different…


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