In constant search of ‘home’

Sometimes it feels like ‘I can’t find home’.  I travel around, I come back to my house, I clean, cook, move, live and sometimes enjoy… but there is no sense of home.  It is an overwhelming feeling.  Home is such a comfort, a warmth and a safe.  So much of this world isn’t really safe for me.  I think it will look different someday… but right now there isn’t really a home for me.

The girls and I travelled for Thanksgiving, to a wonderful, lively, bright and fancy resort… to get away.  I needed to wake up to a different ceiling… different walls.  I needed a non-Thanksgiving-Thanksgiving.  I think the girls needed it too.  They also needed a family weekend, because part of feeling home is family.  This little family just didn’t work for Thanksgiving, Matthew would not come.  He would not commit or attend or anything.  It hurt.  It still hurts.

Our Thanksgiving was so not a Thanksgiving like I remember or my girls.  We needed that… a day that felt like it wasn’t that day.  I wish very much we could have shared it with Matthew and not felt a huge void and sense of two losses.  I don’t know what the future looks like.  I hope that holidays don’t feel like that.  What a lonely existence…

The girls missed him very much, so he came to pick them up and work on a special couple of days.  I went back to Watertown, to home.  It doesn’t feel like home though… especially without my girls.  I don’t like travelling without them.  I don’t like separating and spending time apart.  I miss our family.  I cant remember what it feels like to have a family, to be together and not have a heavy presence of either loss of Madeline or some feeling toward each other.  It hurts.

Matthew is working very hard to create, what I think I see, as a friendship.  To enter a new realm of family and future… and I realized tonight when I was talking to my lovely Laurel (Myles Mom)… that I haven’t been friends with Matthew in a long time.  I miss him.  I miss having him as a friend.  I miss him helping me figure things out, or fall asleep.  I miss sitting next to him and watching Modern Family and Big Bang Theory… he has no time for TV anymore.  I miss feeling like, when I went to bed I was home.  Instead tonight I go to bed in a cold house with no girls to scream for juice.  I hate it.  Some see it as a break, a break from being a mom.  I feel like another chunk of my heart is missing and I must just keep moving without it.  Not much feels like it holds a purpose without those crazy girls…

I wish he understood my heart, my fight, my hopes and my ideas… I never feel that he does.  He has this idea and goal – apparently he is either right or just more stubborn than me.  I am always left feeling like I work for a lot of nothing but missing.

For tonight, I can’t wait to wake up and see my girls… I can’t wait for the elf to be here and our house to feel warm and holiday’ish’… maybe even like a home… I will keep my hopes realistic though.  What does a home feel like, I wonder if I remember?


2 thoughts on “In constant search of ‘home’

  1. I just read another blog about trying to find “home” after loss ( Must be the time of year that brings the memories of what home used to be to the forefront of our thoughts and memories.

    It’s really hard to feel “at home” once your world has been shaken to the core…as the author of the other blog says, “It feels a bit weird when you’re running hard and you realize that your destination no longer exists.” I feel like I have not felt “at home” since Jason died. Selling our house and moving from a place I loved hurt more than it helped, and seems to have made me feel more like the Israelites wandering the desert than anything else. I long for “home.” I just don’t know where it is any more or if it even exists.


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