D is for Divorce and Death.

This life has been filled with so much life… but along with life must come death.  I mean some of the ‘death’ is not seen as a loss… but more as a growth and leaving behind youth or immaturity.  Many bits of my life have ‘died’ and there was no grief attached, but this change is hard.  This death is that of a future, a past and a present… it feels so much like the loss of Madeline.  I haven’t even lost Matthew in the way that I lost Maddie, but I have lost the future I hoped for and worked for, I have lost the ‘sit down every day together’ dinners that we had and I believe a family needs, I have lost the security, protection and trust I had in Matthew.  He left long ago, it is amazing how I was still working, trying, hoping and praying.  Divorce is scary.  My family has very few to have witnessed and so often they don’t end happy or easy or in good status.  There is anger, hurt, jealousy, resentment and desire to leave behind what did all of that to you.  It is more confusing to be with someone you had dreams to grow old with, so perplexing to be in their presence and have them want so badly to be away from you.  It kills.  Every.single.time.

I always thought God made Matthew for me… I mean seriously who else could make those amazing Musto Chicks?  It was like our DNA was meant to be…

I remember getting married, I was terrified and ready and not and comfortable… Matthew was there but not there.  I am sure so much of this was from the start.  I think Matthew has tried to find a way out since before he was in.  He was too scared and young and immature to say ‘No’ or look to the positive and maybe realize that although he was scared, regretful and immature he had something good.  If you were to spend 10 years regretting or hating or being mad or feeling like you did the wrong thing- you would probably create the same heavy and blah and dishonest life.  I noticed Matthew running away from me at Madeline’s One Year Anniversary.  He changed.  He started trying hard to hurt me.  He tried to press the lines and see what he could get away with- and then he moved out.  He left us.  He left us with the promise that it was temporary.  I worked, tried, fought and took care of the girls for the whole summer and fall.  I guess in this that is a blessing, that they have already physically separated Matthew from our house and home and most of the social parts of their life.  It is me who is blind and hurt and heavy and feels like they are dying.  Matthew is months or years ahead of me, and I think he is rushing me to get over this.  I don’t understand.  It hurts me and makes me so lonely to live this way.  I wish I were capable of feeling joy or happy in this season, I with that very much.  I hoped for it, I begged for it and apparently it just wasn’t in my journey.  Maybe God wants me to experience a lot of hard stuff in a little time to enjoy something amazing soon.  It will be a long time before I can believe that or look forward to that.  I keep telling myself that someday this won’t hurt so much.  I keep reminding my heart and mind and body that it will get a chance to breathe and feel and be better someday, I hope soon.

Looking back I see something differently.  I stupidly take blame for many things… but I do know that Matthew’s fear and resentment was a visible piece of most days.  I responded with anger and hurt and mean.  I wish I didn’t.  I wish I responded with compassion and love.  It is so easy to get mad and angry and defensive.  I wish I were better than that and responded with the love I have.  It is too late now.  I have created wounds that I am sure have helped to build Matthew’s fortress… walls that helped him put away his feelings and hurt.  I was what I hated about him.  Instead of responding with compassion and hope I did what I learned and knew was easiest.  Easy isn’t often the best way.  I know and believe that Matthew made his choices.  I believe he made them and pointed himself in a direction to fail and end this… instead of looking at us and seeing what he loved in the first place, and all the amazing we could be.  I believe this is a ‘fundamental difference’ in us.  My core sees things so differently than his.  Most of the time I love my brain, it is smart, cute, creative and kind.  Many times I am only unkind to Matthew and Myself… funny how that works.  The one I love most, who hurts me the most, who used to be near me the most is the one I hurt.  It was and is a cycle.  If it were stopped a long time ago and we let ourselves heal and forgive, life could be very different right now.  I think it would be much brighter.

Instead I am dealing with another death.  I am dealing with separating my lovely ladies… I also see Matthew be a dad for the first time ever.  That hurts very much.  I can never know what his brain thinks and honestly he doesn’t share often.  I do know that for pretty much the first time ever Matthew is a dad and I think he will be a good one.  He waited a long time to do that.  I am very blessed that I never have to deal with regret like that.  Others can look in or judge my parenting, but I am a regular mom who makes mistakes and lets my kids eat treats and is terrible about making sure they brush their teeth a million times… but I am a great mom.  I love those girls and I know and knew them so well.  They were my pod… we travelled ‘our little world’ together.

So send love our way.  Send prayers.  It is all part of this journey… and I know we will make it through.  I don’t see my forever with no Matthew, we did make 3 amazing Musto Chicks… but this will take a lot of grieving, thinking, crying and working… someday I will look back at this post and I will feel lighter and I hope more like Erin.  I miss her.  I miss Madeline.  I miss Matthew.  I wonder how many more things I will have to miss in this life…