Brrr… blah…

Today was a productive day, but it was so blech.  It was one of those days you just move and make yourself smile and make yourself do work, laundry, play, cook… just because it is better that way.   That is how I feel today.

I got up early and worked out, but was really sad to come home to no one but Sparky.  I used to work out early and come home and start the day… when it was nice out or safe I could go up to Maddie’s Spot and have coffee and start my day with sweat and peace.  Today it was sad.  The sweat was great.  The cold made me want to go home… but then I came home and it felt cold and lonely.  I tried to tell myself “look you have a couple of hours” … “enjoy the morning peace”… but it isn’t enjoyable.  It’s sad and lonely.  Thankfully Matthew brought the girls back for Amelia to catch the bus and for me to take Lucy to school… I would have had a really hard day if I didn’t see them this morning.

I managed to be productive today and catch up on some important work.  I guess that is a plus.  I had to write my resume for the kind and generous award Matthew and I have been recognized for… the YMCA President’s Award.  It is a big freakin’ deal.  I am really proud and honored to receive it and get to share Madeline and share Maddie’s Place Playground.  The YMCA has always been so important and special to us.  I never thought I would be able to be a member of the YMCA and was very blessed when our family was able to join and our girls went to preschool.  It is a really big blessing in this life.  To be honored with a President’s Award is a HUGE blessing.  I don’t know how to thank them and I am so embarrassed of some of the current life junk we have… it is confusing and complicated and blech.  I know it will all work out… but there are strange decisions to be made quickly.  I had to write the woman organizing and collecting information to ask her to change how we were to be listed and presented- no longer Matthew and Erin Musto… but Matthew Musto and Erin Musto.  Sound like a small change but those small changes break my heart.  Yesterday we had to get headshots… at the same time but not together.  We aren’t together anymore.  Today the blah was just that.  A cold, cold day that I made dinner and cleaned and there was no one to come home and be with.  Today I got to look forward to just me and my girls.  I don’t know what time Matthew got out of work, if he was safe getting home…  I honestly don’t even know if he was at work.  I didn’t talk to him today.  That is part of our now.  It sucks.  It hurts.  It is shocking every time I have to re-separate.  He’ll have a few days of being around and then I am kind of used to him again, he is confusing and now I am left confused and lonely and it is like a fresh gone.  I think Matthew likes me now that he doesn’t have to be married to me.  What a crappy and hard and painful feeling.

To try to un-blech the day we did crafts and had dinner and are going to watch a fun and happy Christmas movie… maybe my heart will feel better.  This is a cold and heavy and lonely time of year… especially when you keep losing pieces of your family.  It is like my heart keeps breaking and brain can’t even comprehend all of this loss…



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