kills me and helps me.

Sadly many of the things that help me, hurt.  I love to do them, see them, hear them over and over.  Feeling the pain is part of this process.  Some say create diversions… move, run and seek light and happy.  I will tell you from experience that this idea is wrong- sometimes.  Sometimes it is the most healthy thing to just jump in, swim around and really let the pain, hard, heavy, grieving, sad and hurt surround you.  How else can you feel it and know?  How else can you really find the good and happy and light?  I don’t think you can.  You can put all your junk away, tuck it into corners of your brain, push it down deep into your core, hide it for later or never.  The thing is- it will always be there.  One must feel it, find it and let it go to move, live, breathe and really feel.  To feel good you must be capable of feeling bad.  To feel very happy you must be capable of feeling very sad or mad.  Every feeling has… I guess a cost.  You could live in the middle and live on a tiny wavelength of feelings… a little happy, a little sad, some depressed- but true living is big.  Feeling is awesome.  Feeling happy is so light… so bright… so positive.  Feeling sad can be so hard… but it is cleansing.  Feeling mad is a need too…

Today- I was back and forth, back and forth.  I freaking miss Matthew, but don’t want to see him.  He breaks my heart.  Over and over again… kills me and feels good.  So tonight… I dive in.  I am going to swim in it, jump into it and let it completely surround me.  I hope I will wake up tomorrow and feel cleansed… maybe even lighter.  It’s hard to imagine how connected we were and weren’t.  I miss the Matthew who loved me… all of me.  I miss the Matthew I couldn’t live without.  I can live without this one, have done it for a long time.  So while I sit and feel and dig and let the hard wash over me… I will share the song that I feel works for today.  I feel this song.  Those words were written about this loss… this exact loss.  Its comforting to hear, yet at the same time my heart hurts that someone, maybe many, have felt what my heart, brain and soul feel right now.  I wouldn’t wish this mess on anyone else… and wonder if this mess was made for only me… if these are all things that God knows I can carry, but that I need to remember to ask for his help…


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