Strange or ok?

This week has been nuts, the weather has been very true to winter and has changed our plans a bunch.  I wasn’t in a place to be stuck home so much!!!  I am so sick of my walls… sick of this little space.  It feels lonely here.

One of the plans that changed was going on adventure with Laurel (Myle’s mom)… we delayed to Saturday because it was too snowy and apparently this woman we were seeking lived on the side of a real and steep mountain.  So Saturday we headed out on our little journey… I was anxious of what would happen and what she would say… if I would leave heavier, lighter or think she was a fraud.  We went to a psychic medium (among other talents) and it was Laurel’s hope that I would feel some clarity and peace.   I was pretty nervous and tight and curious.  I walked in quietly not knowing what to say or how to start… but she was friendly and caught up with Laurel, her foundation, Myles and how much he has grown in heaven.  She then asked me my name and why I had come…

I told her my daughter had died and I hoped to connect to her.  I am not going to go into all the details, we were there for about 2 hours, but I will say that I left lighter, a little less curious about some things and with some good insight.  I don’t know if Madeline was standing in the room or if she was ‘real’… but I do know that I left lighter.  Her insight helped me to understand some things, know others and to make some time for Madeline to come to me.  She told me she needs me to find quiet… find a slower place… to meditate and that then I will feel and know Madeline is there.  She also told me that Madeline is always there.

Today I have been reflecting on some words about our job and our Foundation.  She told me that the Foundation’s job isn’t just with the kids we help and the ‘best days ever’ we create but it different and more.  She told me that the gift is helping people and families faced directly with loss and death- and also so many others- how to do this.  How to honor, share, love, remember and celebrate their lovely.  She said that this is the gift in much of this and has impacted and will impact so many.  I never thought of it like that.  I think it is the part we know and understand.  Madeline wasn’t sick for long enough to know much about sickness.  She really, in my mind, didn’t have cancer like most- so we know very little about cancer.  We only know the end… the enjoying what you have and the celebrating what you have lost…

Madeline’s death is not an ok outcome, not an acceptable one… but it is our ‘real’.  We have carried, moved, cried, dealt, ran away, embraced, celebrated, hated and every other emotion you could have… This is our journey.  I think the gift is that we didn’t do it like everyone else… that we saw her peacefully go to heaven, that she was ok and in some ways that she knew that it would happen and was prepared.  Those things make me not hate the beast that took her so much… I don’t think that Madeline was created to live long.  If it weren’t the beast that gifted us 5 days with her it could have been a car accident or anything else that stole her amazing, beautiful, kind and happy self from us.  Don’t get me wrong I hate childhood cancer.  I don’t know if I hate death.  I have come to accept death as part of life… one must die if we live… this is true for every.living.thing.  In some ways my brain, almost always, guides me to a happier thought.  When I think of all the is lost with Madeline, my brain reminds me of all that was gained knowing her.  When I am deeply sad and miss her, my brain reminds me that I had a Madeline… and not some other kid.  She was mine, she was amazing and she was so bright.  I would take this pain and loss 100 times over to know that I had a Madeline, if that makes sense.  I would take her back in a second, and get this life back to normal with my 3 amazing Musto Chicks… but I have to know that it isn’t the plan.  She is forever here though… her legacy is bigger and brighter than any I can see.  She has changed so many.  She has helped so many.  She will do that until I am gone and give up my role to my lovelies to do her work.

I think what I mean to say, breaking it down some, is that our gift is in the grief and hard.  That sharing Madeline and creating our normal around her is helpful to many.  To let people know that anyway they do this is the right way- to party and celebrate, to be quiet and reflect… to send balloons and talk about death with your children.  I am really honored that this psychic/medium shared this with me.  It has given me a little gift to reflect on.  Knowledge that Madeline’s death is changing things and we are helping people- people I didn’t know we were helping, people are impacted and changed by her and us.  It helps.  It helps me to know that I am not crazy in this.  It helps me to know that we are making the right choices- that my girls are learning and expressing and sharing and bringing Madeline with them.  I am pleased to know that we are helping with families grief and knowledge of death… I feel that someday my grown up job might be in that area.

I will reflect more and share more as time moves… thank you.

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