Amazed. Content. Exhausted.


Today was… exhausting, refreshing, busy, fun, simple, amazing, full, emotional, intense and happy.  It is amazing to me that we can feel all of those emotions and physical states in just a few hours.   That our body can be exhausted yet still make room for the interesting conversation about God and Jesus and all of the blessings in our day.  That after waking up, meeting a new little baby we did a ‘best day ever’ for, redoing his nursery, doing a news interview, rushing home to drop of helpers and make the bus, grabbing Lucy and heading to the Hope Club for a little dinner/group to meet and be around other families with cancer stories… that after all that one of the best parts of my day came at the end- in the car ride home.  The girls and I got talking about Madeline and how God gave me the very best, most coolest and silly set of kids ever… and then having them tell me that one of my kids is missing.  We talked about how blessed we are everyday and what kinds of things we are thankful for and should thank God for… simple things.  Lucy said flowers and the colors blue and orange.  I mean, really, what would the world be like with no blue or orange?!!?!?  Amelia said family and school… because she loves her family and if there were no school people would never get smart enough to know 2 + 2.  Simple as that.

In all of this day, I am now reflecting.  I thinking of how amazing it is that so many people help me to get to redo nurseries for families.  It blows my mind daily that someone can believe in ‘best days ever’ enough to understand the importance of them and to entrust me to find the families, find the help and give each family their very own, very personal ‘best day ever’, whatever that looks like.  It is such a gift to get a call from the place I ordered catering from, for these families to have a place to come together and meet and mingle and share, that the owner would call me and tell me that dinner if on them.  What a kind gift.  What makes people let me do this?  What a gift to me, to be able to do this.  I am so blessed to have people trust my messy, crazy self… what an honor and blessing to get to do this.  Imagine if your job was getting to grant special wishes, happy moments or simple and easy family time for people… that is my job.  There are many other hard aspects of my job… many other fun experiences that come with my job, but seriously this is a dream job for anyone (even though I don’t get paid), it also helps me to share Madeline, honor her and create experiences that make Amelia and Lucy different.  They see the world differently… they don’t even know that their world is different.  Today Amelia and I talked about Lochlan (our little baby ‘best day ever’ today), and if he would go to heaven.  I told her “Eventually everyone dies and can go to heaven, but Lochlan is healthy right now.  We should pray he stays healthy and that when the time comes he will need new kidneys”.  We then talked about organ donation and how Madeline’s eyes (corneas) are still here on earth, alive.  That someone who couldn’t see, has the gift of Madeline’s eyes because she was in heaven and didn’t need them anymore.  We talked about how Madeline’s heart tissue is still alive, that little babies like Brenna have hearts that work because of families letting them have those gifts.

How many people have these opportunities?  How many people have these moments with their kids?  Maybe you look at these moments as sad and morbid… but I think they speak and teach of life and living and death and heaven.  I think they show how amazing life is.  I think the difficulty of helping a family and hearing a sad story is far outweighed by the peace, happy, calm, surrounded, loving feeling that helping them brings.  Lochlan’s mom gave me a gift at the end of the day.  She told me that she had an experience while working, a patient told her there was a blond girl around her.  That it was definitely a blond little girl… then her husband had a strange dream about a blond little girl playing on the floor in the nursery with Lochlan and his brother Declan.  That she didn’t talk, but she was there playing.  It was like Madeline was with them.  I really believe she is.  I know she brings the people I need and brings me the people that need me… in this she gets a gift.  She gets to connect to children and be with them, to help them even though she isn’t here.  Madeline is a truly awesome and perfect gift.  She was 1/3 of the best gifts God has ever given me.  I would take her gift of 5 1/2 years over any other gift God would have given to replace her- I can handle losing her.  I can handle losing her because she is so often right here… in a ‘best day ever’, in a moment of Lucy making a face, in Amelia as she sits and looks at the TV, in Matthew when he tells me “be safe”… she is right here with me when I pay attention.

Thank you darling for the little gift today.  I love you.  I miss you.  I am glad you are taking care of us… ❤


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