This week we had an amazing ‘best day ever’… the next day I was tired and had a meeting that didn’t go in the direction that I wanted. I spent that afternoon on my couch feeling like junk… like I have said when I miss Maddie or get sad I am sick. I was due for a ‘sick day’… only that night turned into a train wreck. One that I am still mad, annoyed, angry, sad, disturbed, let down, tired and have a freaking tension headache that won’t go away. There are some things and some energies that I am learning that I can not be around… Some people bring me too much confusion and sadness and anger. On this particular night a person I am very close to, apparently in relationship, not in respect or love or kindness or understanding… this person I have had a few misunderstandings that didn’t need to happen and opened wounds that still won’t close. She assumed and accused me of many things, hurtful and angry things. After a long argument, heated words and leaving to calm down… I talked to my clarity, my orange lady, my Laurel. She brought me back to my lane, my safe and a better understanding of my needs, roles and not-needs. I ended that night knowing that I have to let go of this person, this energy. I have to keep myself in my lane, myself safe and my girls around safe, comfortable and kind relationships. I have to keep my fragile and crazy brave girls alive, healthy and growing up in more loving, calm relationships. So I am kind of currently a mess… but I know me, I know life, I know God… there will be a way to go soon, or a peace that I feel and know. I know it. So for now… I will trust my thoughts and current knowledge and make the best choice I have for right now.
The other hard part about this week is that when it gets hard, I can see the boundaries Matthew and I have made and enforced. When I have a very painful and hard moment, there is no comforting and loving hug. When I am standing and shaking and close to falling, it doesn’t physically feel like I have him there to support me. I know he is there for me, but not in the way I feel that I need. The boundaries are a need, for me to learn to be me and not “Matt and Erin”… I know that those established boundaries and separations will help me move to a safer me sooner… but I friggin’ miss Matt sometimes, and need him. I don’t want a hug from someone else, I want to feel human skin and know I have a teammate… but I don’t. I have a co-parent… a me and a matt… that is hard. I have said before that this is easier for him, he must think I am nuts that I am not farther and I am focused on this loss… but marriage made us one. Our version of ‘one’ wasn’t what I wish I had help make, nurture and be a part of… and I wish we could find that version. In this train wreck I feel surrounded and lonely, sad and confused… glad it is Friday.
So today I started clean up work… I began picking up my wreckage… my confidence in parenting, my knowledge in grief, myself, my friendships and bonds, my past, my memories and that incident… I am going to put back what needs to be put back and sort through the junk and purge. I need positive and kind people- to support me. I need people who honor my needs and my families needs. I need people who share my goals and the healthiest way for my family to move, live and breathe in this mess… I need people to honor me, my Matthew, my lovelies and our future. We are not normal people… and we need extraordinary people to step up and walk with us. I am blessed to have so many extraordinary people in our life… focus on those that keep me in my lane, my family moving and alive and support us. That is the lesson in this week’s train wreck. Lesson learned.