Saturday and Sunday mornings are usually my favorite… we don’t have to rush and run and dress and get on the bus… get to preschool, run, run, run… today I got up and the house was quiet. The girls are with Matt this weekend and I am thankful that Valentine’s Day was a snow day and I didn’t lose them all day to life. So we spent the day together yesterday making cookies, cutting hearts, cleaning up messes from those… making clay sculptures of Olaf (Snowman from Frozen)… just kind of kicking at home. I felt kind of bad that I didn’t take the time before to get them something special, but they seemed ok with it. I was pretty off yesterday… I was really sad and blah. I was glad to be home, but didn’t feel happy and good. So we filled the day up with things so that I didn’t quit and give up and stay on the couch. I knew I would have all weekend to do that.
I hate saying goodbye to them. It isn’t like before Matt left and I would get a night out with friends… now it means I come home to an empty quiet house. It really sucks. I miss them this morning. I got up and no one yelled at me or was cranky, so I guess that is a plus. I turned on the TV and it was Curious George… and now the The Cat and the Hat… So I am sitting here writing and watching those shows- with no Musto Chicks to snuggle with. I am trying to figure out the weekend for me and when I will get the girls back into our home… since they have family dinner planned tomorrow and Monday night I have plans… It’s weird. There are lots of new little issues and confusion and miscommunication. If Matt and I fail to correctly communicate the girls are the ones who pay- with a sloppy schedule. We are so immature and in some ways it felt safer to not be ‘all set in stone’… it made it not feel real, like we are not really headed to divorce. I still sit and think what a weird future it will be to not be ‘Matt and Erin’… In fact many times it doesn’t feel like we aren’t ‘Matt and Erin’ right now and that is confusing! This is all very confusing. I can’t sort a lot of this because our lives are so layered and include each other so much. I have come to the conclusion this week especially that I need better boundaries. I keep trying to keep Matt involved and here and then end up hurt because he runs away or turns cold, then I am left fixing and trying to organize thoughts, emotions and where we end… So I am going to be stronger and set and maintain boundaries. Some might think I have given up, but it isn’t true. I am going forward in a direction that keeps me safe and keeps my girls safe and happy. They love me. They love Matt. They need stable and steady and even. I think I do to. I will miss all the boundaries that we crossed… I miss Matt. I don’t miss the unsure, run-away, mad and anxious one. The one he is when he creates boundaries… or realizes he felt something.
I miss my family. I miss Saturday mornings that I always got to be with my girls… or Valentine’s days that I didn’t have to go find something to do because it wasn’t my night with them… or trying to figure out who is taking the girls to swimming at the Y tomorrow… or missing fun events because it isn’t my day. I hate it. Someday I am sure I won’t hate it so much… maybe it won’t hurt so much… I don’t know what that will look like.