Who would think that establishing and maintaining boundaries in an almost 14 year relationship would be so hard <insert sarcasm>. This weekend I kind of decided to be stronger, harder and build those fences around my space, heart and brain. I have been connected, and will be forever because of the girls, to Matthew for 14 years this month… our first real date was March 3, 2001. I had such a crush on him. He was tall, skinny, cute, funny, smart and really attentive. I would barely use any of those words to describe him anymore… I remember what it felt like to hold hands and now I remember what it feels like for him to never hold hands. I guess it will feel better as soon as my brain can stay inside it’s fence and stop reminiscing to when it was good and start shifting to finding good today, in the present. It doesn’t feel as weird to miss him, I think that is my normal anyway. It doesn’t feel as weird to eat dinner with just my girls… that’s a normal now too. Maybe him leaving was the best thing for this current state we are in.
It’s hard to have to open my door for Matthew, set up times for pick up and drop off, never eat dinner as a family, never share movies and eat popcorn together… to have him ask if its ok to go in the garage and grab his snow shoes… I wonder if it gets better when I get all of those types of things out of my house. I don’t know. I hope so. I cant wait to be organized and feel somewhat less chaotic. I need that soon. I am going crazy in this messy, piled up house… I need to do crazy reorg and get some new cushions and rugs… I need to make my bed and stop sleeping with Amelia. I need to start feeling some normalcy. It’s overwhelming to be here in this house without my girls often, and then always with out Matt. It can feel like a person sitting on my lap keeping me from moving… stuck to the couch. It is extremely evident on those days all that is lost… Maddie, Marriage, normal, regular time with my girls, a sad dog and a stupid house that I use as a stopping point when they aren’t here. I am sure that someday it will feel ok, people go through this all of the time and if they work, feel and move in a good direction they have a good life later… the girls will be good, they are surrounded and we are working with a new counsellor. I believe that they will be happy, content and well rounded grown ups- if we work on communicating and take great care of them. We are working on it. What will it look like down the road? What does this new normal feel like? I cant imagine feeling much other than what it feels like right now, which negates all of the time that I know that Matt and I loved each other. Its hard to believe still at.this.moment that we aren’t we. Its hard to know sometimes that Madeline is gone. Its hard to do all of this with out the other 1/2 that made her… but we will be okay. As per most of life, it isn’t how I planned it. I need to keep letting the damn plan go, and listening… for now I will run, breathe, laugh, cry, hurt, shop, cook, walk, share and live…. even if it just feels like I am surviving.