The Monday after… crazy, tired, blessed, content…


Is sitting on my couch all burrowed in my new quilt… I have a Lucy who needs a bath on my left and a Meme with a stomach bug on the chair next to me.  It feels like one of those ‘God made me slow down days’ that I usually get after a crazy, busy time.  It is sunny, I have a nice cup of coffee and the puke from last night is all clean.  The house is dusty and there is still much to be unpacked, but hey I only got a couple hours of sleep last night and want to sit on my butt today.  My only big hope is that Lucy and I are spared the bug- but I am ready either way.  I haven’t weighed in this week, even though it was my first week of Weight Watchers, and this past weekend it was a huge struggle to even find healthy food.  This weekend was a run, drive, dip, work, set up, talk, prepare and enjoy weekend.  There was very little time to make food, so I failed.  I will work harder and be home more this week.  So… if I end up with a stomach bug I will definitely head to WW the next day and weigh in ;).

The girls and I got home late last night, I was so tired but couldn’t go to bed.  It was an invigorating, fun, full, happy, busy and crazy week.  I think it was a good week to throw into February.  We spent lots of time with friends, family and our ‘herd’.  We took adventures, met new baby twins (Miracles), watched Frozen again, played with cousins, Polar Plunged into the COLD, COLD St Lawrence River, attended (helped and enjoyed) the 2nd Annual Maddie’s Mark Carnival- Maui for Maddie.

Almost every part of the week was positive.  I tried to keep my head focused on the positive and not the hard, boundary filled world of Matt and I.  It was hard, but I did it.  It was awesome to see so many come out and smile and enjoy Madeline.  To see so many support us in our Mission- providing space, services, time, help… volunteering, sharing, making Elephants, setting up games, baking, making food… everything.  I love sharing her.  I can not imagine a day that I don’t do this.  In some ways it has gotten easier, the cost isn’t so high.  Often I come back from this kind of amazing, powerful and happy weekend of people, busy and Madeline- and I crash.  I haven’t crashed.  I don’t feel the crash coming on today.  I just feel the slow down.  I think that is an improvement.  I don’t want to not feel that heavy and sad, but maybe it will be different from now on.  I will take it.  I see it as a change in the right direction.  I know that there is a cost but to not feel that after in a way is a gift.  There are so many gifts…

The Polar Bear Dip was cold, BAM and invigorating.  Some might wonder ‘why on earth would you jump into a cold, almost frozen river?’… my answer might surprise them.  I will do anything to share Madeline, that is very true and evident.  I will take risks and challenge myself to step into situations and bring Madeline’s light and spirit and share her.  I think this is best explained in a different way though- I will take adventures, I will fill my life list and I will try new things until the day I head off to heaven.  Would Madeline have ever jumped into the St Lawrence and froze her lil fish tail off?  I don’t know.  I don’t get to know that.  I think she loved home, she loved the water and she loved to challenge herself and try new things.  I don’t know if she would have taken the plunge.  I will though.  I will do many of those things that we never get to know if Madeline would.  I will do them for her.  I will jump into the river.  I will run another Marathon (or 50).  I will sky dive.  I will travel to Europe and Africa.  I will sit on a beach and smell the ocean.  I will take my girls on adventures.  I will learn new skills and set new goals.  I will go scuba diving.  I will do things I am scared of and don’t really want to do.  I will speak to big groups and feel the scared and shaking inside of me, and do it anyway.  I will be brave and bold and strong and surge on… I will climb a mountain, learn to sail, do missionary work, go back to school… and hopefully a million other things.  Life is really amazing and full, I plan to fill mine with things that I can bring Madeline along on.  She is not here to laugh, enjoy, run, breath, jump, play or live- so I will do that for her.  So I will jump in the river and get my body as cold as it could be and still be alive… every.single.year.  I will bring along other crazy people on adventures, as well as the kids that are in heaven with Madeline.  I know it’s important to know that your child is off discovering, creating, challenging and getting a little uncomfortable in this life- so I will bring Madeline and her heaven clan with me.  I hope other’s bring her with them…

So today is Monday.  It is sunny, shiny and we are pretty content sitting around the house resting ourselves for life, adventures and just regular old life.  I am loving the gifts in the weekend- the time as well as the thoughtful gestures… did I tell you that on top of the amazing handmade quilt that my lovely aunt made to raffle (that was given to me by the winner)… a family I had never met brought me flowers and a card with a very kind and powerful message in it, a friend who drove an hour to come volunteer brought me a bracelet with an elephant on it, I got back to a package on my doorstep from a friend who used to take care of my girls and moved- it was a cork board that said “Best Day Ever”, I have a pile of drawings from some amazing girls who carry Madeline in their hearts, mind and words to bring up to Madeline’s spot and a valentine from Madeline’s cousin who spent his one money on it… we are surrounded by families who love us, carry us… friends who take care of us and our families… gifts from strangers, friends and family.  We are blessed.  We are stuck in a crazy, whirlwind of a life- but we are blessed.  My whole family is blessed… my girls, my dog and Matthew.  Even with all the complications and mess in this life of boundaries and hardship- we are blessed.  God is guiding us in a direction to have the best.future.possible.  I am sure of that.  It is hard for me to not bend on these boundaries, I am sure that the strength to stand and not fall is part of the gift.  I have very much faith that life will look very different in the future- maybe in the near future.  I have faith that the strength and guidance is from the Big Guy.  I have faith that he is sending us in the direction to be, see, do and live the best…

Thank you everyone.  Thank you all.

Miss you darling… but I know you are all good- I know you are there.


3 thoughts on “The Monday after… crazy, tired, blessed, content…

  1. 😦 that must have been a rough night. Hope meme feels better, and hope you and Lucy are spared. Fingers crossed. And ugh…i hear you about ww, I’m finding it VERY hard to be good on weekends. I’m on week 2 and it’s hard! Hang in there. Day by day…minute by minute. ❤


  2. Love how you put into words some of the things I feel but can’t express. Hope you are all puke free soon. Let me know if you like the WW, are you doing it online?


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