reflections.

I am sitting here and can’t get the words to the Frozen songs that we played and sang on the ride home out of my mind.  It is a really great soundtrack and like I have said before the songs are so tangible to almost all lived… but alas that is not the reflection I want to reflect on tonight…

Today was a pretty good day for me and my girls… I sent Meme off to school, brought Madeline’s 100 Day Project into her school, managed a workout, caught up with friends, ran errands, shopped and came home to slightly tidy up and get ready for a busy night.  Tonight was Hope Club Family Night… we are working (many of the local childhood cancer foundations) to create or find a space for families with children with cancer, who have fought cancer or have lost a child to cancer can meet… for support, for information and for a hug.  Tonight we got some of our awesome families up there and enjoyed dinner and craft and just roaming the awesome space up at this Hope Club.  I know it is early in this program and we are learning what families need and want… but I saw it as a real success.  I can’t wait to bring the girls up again soon.  I hope those families connected and formed bonds or found some resources… some comfort.  That was a great part of tonight.

I left that dinner to head to a Magdelena Group (Catholic women’s group) to  share Madeline and our journey and the ways God has changed me, helped us, sent in worker bees or mountain movers… just how He has played a role I guess in this.  That is a silly way to say it though, that God has played a role in this journey.  He has in fact guided me, answered me, sent recruits, carried me, lifted me, let me be, given me the strength to get through, stand up or be brave and share.  He isn’t a bit of this journey, but the Leader in it.  In talking to those women, all who came with a story and life experience, I felt comfortable and safe.  I felt like I was supposed to be there.  I was nervous at first, and had a hard time staying true to what I wrote… but then I veered and changed, came back… and found a new point or piece.  It was hard and easy, as it always is.  I could comfortably talk about my struggles and my differences… my beliefs and knowledge… my grief and my happy.  It was a good night.  Lucy came up to sit with me and put her hand on me to comfort me.  She also added pieces and bits of what she knows and remembers.  She boldly spoke to a group of women she didn’t know.  She poked me and spoke up many times.  I liked her being there.  It could be a distraction to have to refind a thought, but she sat next to me and kept me safe.  It was a way to know that this is the right way for us.  She can hear my sad in my voice, it changes.  She wasn’t worried, just wanted me to know she was there.  I love her.  Amelia was quiet and played and colored.  Often in those group situations she is quiet and listens.  She doesn’t look up at me, or acknowledge that I am speaking about Madeline.  It may bring her pain or memories, I don’t know.  I know sometimes on the car ride she will reflect on it.  She will confide thoughts she had during my words… she will tell me not to tell everyone she used to bite people a lot :).  She hears it, absorbs it and carries it.  She went off to play with her friends tonight, but I think she was glad/sad to hear Madeline’s story and the pain I know she felt in my voice.  I know how she would have been if that was too much for her, if it hurt too much.  I know that she absorbed and reflected on tonight, but tonight she kept it to herself.  That is ok with me, healthy even.  I think my girls and I are generally pretty healthy given the pile of life that has been laid on our hearts, minds and bodies… I think we are doing ok. 

I left that group after a long talk and many great questions… thinking.  I wondered and pondered my decisions and beliefs and knowledge… my grief and mourning… my way.  Those reflections help me to know I am doing it all pretty much the right way.  I know I could eat less when I am sad, I haven’t been drinking much wine, I could give myself more down time and be more present for my girls… but all and all I am doing all right.

So tonight I am thankful for the day that kicked my butt.  I am thankful for the night that let me share and support.  I am tired… content, blessed and reflecting…

 

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