Today I turn 32 years old. Weird to think I am in my 30’s… a long, long time ago I thought it would take a long time to get to my 30’s. BAM! Here I am, 1/5 of the way done with my 30’s… happened fast.
I will say that my 30’s are nothing like I thought, imagined, envisioned… pretty much as far from where I thought I would be in this decade as they could be. I am going through a divorce from the person I grew up with, I lost 1/3 of my lovely and crazy girls… I am in a place where I am lonely when I am surrounded, confused often and miss many aspects of life before 30. I wonder often what the rest of this decade will look like… will I have a job, will I ever get a cottage on the lake… will birthday’s be fun and special again? I know they will… it just feels so far away from the spot that I am standing in that I can’t see it.
I am proud of my changes in the past 2 years… I am proud of the fact that I am still hanging on (sometimes for dear life and other times just because I know I want to get farther and better and stronger)… I am proud of my girls and their resiliency and happy and sad and support that they are to me and others… I am proud that Madeline is still here… I am proud that I can live without Matt.
I think tonight I need to shift my focus and remind myself what I have gained, what I have learned and what I am proud of in these past 2 years…
-I am still here. I run, cry, sing Frozen songs, laugh, hurt, get mad, feel a little happy, yell, move, travel and most of all live and breath each and every day.
-I have overcome A LOT of things that I don’t think ‘old Erin’ could have… public speaking, feeling and accepting vulnerability in a group of people, talking about and sharing death and grief and God.
-My faith has become so much BIGGER. I am not scared to talk about God, heaven and faith. I don’t care what people who disagree think… (Which leads me to another point…)
-I don’t care what other people think of those things. I don’t care if they agree with my beliefs and lessons in grieving and mourning. I don’t care if they think I am nuts for sharing my faith. I don’t care if they get uncomfortable when I talk about my daughter, who is dead, as much as my daughters who are here… I just don’t care. ‘Old Erin’ would have cared and softened and been careful…
-I am so much better at saying ‘No’. I don’t fill my life with so many things that I don’t enjoy them (very often). I don’t overbook with 3 birthday parties or 30 nights out… I just don’t. I say ‘No’ when it doesn’t work (unless it is an emergency). I am even better enough to not feel guilt for saying ‘No’ as often. That is a big step for this Erin.
-I am so glad and happy and content and blessed and thankful for those that I have surrounded myself with (or maybe who have surrounded me)… who carry me when I am heavy and lift me when I am sad and take care of me when I am not good… They are friends that I see all the time, family that I see sometimes, old friends and acquaintances that have become people that I feel a bond and closeness to, they are people who were complete and utter strangers that have jumped on board and picked me up… with a message, a letter, a gift and prayers. If I weren’t surrounded by these amazing people, in every different way that they surround me, I wouldn’t be in this very spot. This spot, that I am reminded often, is the VERY spot that I am supposed to be in, at this very moment.
-I can do it. I can public speak. I can write a grant proposal. I can talk to professionals and get things done. I can make important decisions and take actions and direct others to help. I can got to a professional meeting and get my point across. I can be a part of a Foundation that is changing things and help start a coalition that is changing things. All things that I was so scared of and saw as ‘grown up’… I guess this means that I am finally a ‘grown up’ (crap….)
-I run. I sweat. I move. I push. I get my butt up and do something (boot camp, run, machine…) pretty much every day of the week. I work out so that my body is stronger and more tired. I work out so that I can get those ‘high’s’ that keep me a little above the depressed line. I work out to release some of the toxic and hard, and leave room for more healthy and positive. I work out so that I can get stronger and healthier and find ‘me’. I don’t have the energy to work out, ever. I do it anyway. I know that I must… because I am still here, standing and breathing and staying a little above depressed. I am looking forward to the day that I have gotten farther from depressed… but like they say- one day at a time.
-I like me more. I even like my wobbly bits more, enough that I can’t get the motivation to get rid of them. I would like to be lighter and feel better… but not because I hate me… but because I know how healthier me feels. I know how much better I feel when I am lighter and eating better… I just need to find that big push. I will say though that I like me… the one I am today. When I really sit down and think about my weight and image- that isn’t what makes my life hard or sad or darker right now. It isn’t at all. It is a hundred other factors… so I think that I am proud that I am me, I look like I do right now… and I am working to get that me healthier.
-I can do this with out Matt. I don’t know if I knew before that I could. I don’t particularly like it. It hurts and stings a lot. Days like today feel very full of holes of missing stuff. Alas, tomorrow is March 31… and it will be one whole year until I have to feel what it feels like to miss my family on my birthday. I guess I am glad for that. I am glad that this day is behind me. I have good faith that next year will look very different, I hope much brighter, lighter and happier. I didn’t ask for this. I must accept and move and find something brighter… and maintain faith that it will be brighter. I am proud of ‘new Erin’ for doing things that ‘old Erin’ always put off or let go. Stupid things like maintaining a checking account. Very soon I will be in charge of paying bills and fully maintaining my home… I guess I have made it 9 months and fixed things, taken care of things and adjusted things… I can do this.
-I am bolder. just that… I am bolder.
I know there are other things I am sure… but these are some things that I was recounting and thinking about right now. I hope tomorrow I wake feeling lighter and more ok. I hope tomorrow I let go of March 2014 and move on…
❤ Mads… what I would have given to have some birthday cake and get a hug from you today. I miss you darling, always will.