Matt has the ladies this weekend and instead of missing them too much I am getting the to-do list checked off… feeling kind of like a husband right now. I have a huge blister from reupholstering a bench, have shampooed the couches and ordered new rugs for my living room… and a million other things. I like the productive feeling I get when I find more order, steals some of the chaos from my life.
While picking up the girls closet and putting their hamper back I had to pull out and then put back the diaper pail… and thought ‘Why do I still have this in here?’. It has been years since I had a girl who needed diapers, I don’t even have wipe anymore for the ‘quick clean’ before people get to my house. I just looked at the diaper pail and didn’t want to get rid of it. About two years ago that room was our nursery. There were typical nursery things in there and all of the girls clothes and books. It’s always been the nursery- a quieter room. I didn’t feel like getting the pail out of there when we got new trundle beds and Lucy staked claim on the room as her’s. I know why it just surprises me the things I like to keep around to remember. I don’t think it is just to remember Madeline, the nursery or her being a baby- but the life of then. I miss that crazy hectic and exhausting life. Believe me, this life I am in now is crazy, busy and hectic… but such a different way. I miss the sitting and snuggling involved in fresh babies. I may have looked like a frazzeled hot mess back then, but I loved the tired. I loved the breaks too, but the work involved I was good at. I miss the days that worked around a naptime, bedtimes and stressful bath times… that ended with a snuggly, footy pajamaed girl that smelled so good sitting on my lap. I especially miss the boppy times. From about 7pm on sat with a little one in a ‘u’ shape around me silently sleeping until I went to bed. It was the quiet time I had with each of them, as the days were filled with 3 kids and splitting time. I miss being the best part of their day, getting very creative trying to find fun and cheap crafts or adventures. I miss dressing them all the same, I never do that anymore. Some of you might know what my 3 polka dotted chicks looked like… all dressed in something alike. I loved that, and it made it easy to find them in a crowd or when someone snuck away :). I miss the voices they had back then. It all changes… they don’t just get taller or bigger- their little young voices change. Amelia used to have the cutest (yes the cutest) froggy voice. I love to hear it and remember it in videos. Madeline had a giggle that I can hear right now. Lucy’s laugh is so different but has always been so fun and deep and happy. I can heat them all singing Justin Beiber in the backyard- Lucy piping in with “Oh BABY, BABY…” super loud and hard while Madeline is riding her bike singing well and Amelia’s lil frog voice is in the background. Their faces change, their hands change…
All of the sudden in all of the busy I have only 2 girls who still need me and one is trying to sneak training bra’s to school. I don’t wish to change things, I don’t regret things or wish everyday I could go back and be there… I simply miss that time. I miss having my full pod and regular family. The way the girls need me now is so different than then and it will continue to change until I am not here anymore. I love the new conversations we have… experiences and ease of some parts of life since they are older.
I will leave the diaper pail there. It reminds me of all those ladies who used to need me to wipe their butt and change their diapers. It reminds me of the quieter and slower time… it reminds me of how different we are and how grown my girls are. It reminds me of a time that feels like moments ago and decades ago. It reminds me of the blessings and hardships we have endured since those ladies were little… I will leave it there, until it is time for me to put it away.