Today was the day that official, beyond Matthew moving out, mediation and separation and divorce started. I wondered for a while whether I post this or put this away… but I think you can all handle my sad. It was 100 times harder than I thought it would be. All day I felt my forgetful anxiety… the “what do I have going on today?”… OHHH!!! Crap I forgot feeling. It is the defense mechanism for me, to forget things that overwhelm me. I didn’t fully forget and I made it to the appointment and I was shaking and sad and terrified and heavy. It all hit me, in front of a stranger and Matt, a person who feels like a stranger now. Weird feeling. I don’t normally feel those feelings all at once… it was hard. I listened as she told us about her credentials, the pluses of choosing mediation as opposed to court divorce… then I sat quietly while she talked about 401ks, investments, equity and crap I never cared to know anything about. I was shocked to hear that I need to set a date to stay in or leave my house, to give an idea of when equity can be divided or if it will… or when I will return to work and have a job. I was BAMMED backwards and kind of in shock about making decisions like this- I am a commitment phobe. To think of when I can get a job or what I am even qualified to do… to think of missing my girls lives because I will not have flexible time, no vacations or long weekend back home… putting them into daycare. It’ll be a whole new lose for them. I am lucky that I don’t have to have a fast coming date to do these things, and need to step back and not feel stressed about longer term. I need to think long term about some things and let others go. I can do this. I can move toward this. Through the tears and break down inside myself I signed those papers. I will do this.
I deserve a person who is real, and loves me for real. Not just the love in the movies, not just the love that feels great all of the time, but the love that is real and fulfilling and true. I don’t need to earn love. I don’t need to seek it in a loving relationship. It is just a there. It is there in a fight, it is there in a hurt, it is there in the happy… it is unconditionally there. If that isn’t in this, then I need to move forward and let it go. It will be a good life when I am not buried in this hard. I repeat this often because I need to. I need to remind myself of this and bring it with me and let it fuel me. I am strong, kind, fun, silly, bossy, busy and me… I deserve to be loved for real for all of those things. Send some good vibes and love PolkaDot Tree Climbers… send some prayers… I need them like I always have.