divorce makes a person so tired…

I thought it was exhausting to get through missing Maddie and days with out her… this past week has kicked my butt. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually… is there any other ‘ally’s’???  I am stinkin’ tired and wandering in a fog.  There are things I am making myself be clear about and others I am just walking in some random direction not thinking about or thinking about but feeling all blah and heavy and ick.  I am clearly and firmly creating boundaries and finding some safe place for me.  I am done with the wishy washy pain and feeling like I am never winning.  I am done with hope in the marriage.  I want hope for me and the girl to find happy, to find some peace, to find some normal.  The ease of which Matt signed those papers to secure a mediator and the greeting of ‘Hey Babe’s’… is enough.  My heart can’t do this anymore…

I tackled the garage today.  I thought it would be a good time to clear out much of Matthew’s things and visually not have him in my space.  I hope it helps me to heal.  I feel so much mad at him right now, almost a hate… that I don’t freakin’ care anymore what this does to him.  If he can’t get out of bed tomorrow because he missed Madeline- I don’t care.  I can’t.  If I care I will never move… never feel even a little better.  I can’t do that to me anymore.  I don’t think God wants me to.  I think I am ready to see and find a new hope.  I don’t dislike Matthew, I don’t think he is a bad person- but I am freaking mad and hurt and sad and angry.  I am done.  I am strong and solid and will challenge myself to let him go.  It is, after all, what he asked for and left us for.

Tonight, I was feeling very blah and kind of dreading going home to organize and pack up Matthew’s stuff… so we went to my friend’s for a bit and then to dinner at the local diner.  At the diner I ran into a few friends, then like God was sending some company for us and a reminder that we aren’t alone… Michelle (Devon’s Mom) and his sister Gabby… we got talking and they came over to see Frozen with us (shocker that we watched Frozen on movie night).  It was just the company we needed and it was really nice.  I didn’t feel lonely, I didn’t feel so tired.  I didn’t think about the pile of things that I will never really see again in my garage.  I didn’t think about the life I will have that won’t include Matthew.  I didn’t think about the pile of paperwork that I need to do to get this mediation thing all done and be legally separated.  I didn’t think about any of that.  I didn’t even let myself think about the Christmas’s and Birthday’s I must split now… I just enjoyed a movie and some friends and some snuggles… it was refreshing.  Thank you God for directing us to Redwood Diner and seeing friends and having a movie night.  We needed it.  I know it is in the little things that you show us You are there… that You show us we are surrounded, lifted and cared for.  I am blessed and grateful…

 

I miss you darling.  I wish this earth had different plans, but who’s to say that the outcome isn’t marvelous.  I love you.  Bug me.

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