Today I felt a big wave of “I can do this”. I don’t know what it was about today… the spring, the feeling that if I can’t change this I need to accept this and let go or maybe the fact that I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t want to feel trapped in sad or hard or missing. I can do this. I know I will repeat this a million times- I hope it can help me train my brain to go down pathways that are more healthy for me. I am pointed in the direction of change- of divorce. It is still hard to think of all that this changes… but in time it will be ok- we will be ok.
What about today made me feel this? Lately, I ask God to send me in the direction I need to go, to send me the signs (songs, words from friends, things I read) to guide me. When I listen I will hear a song about letting it all go, letting the pain go, letting the things I can not change go… and if I happen to be listening to KLOVE- it is directly letting them go to God. He will help me heal, just hand over some of those heavy things I can’t handle. How the hell does one do that???? It sounds so easy… and my mind has pondered it much lately. Then someone will post a quote, a message or text me something and it will guide me in the right direction. Many times it is about not getting what we want in life, but letting that expectation go and discovering what God’s plan is not your own. That is freaking hard. I had this whole future thing thought out… at least not all messed up… and then I lost one of my girls. From that moment on the idea of planning into the future, beyond getting old and meeting my grandkids, sitting with Matt and enjoying them… then heading off to heaven … wasn’t possible. I don’t plan Amelia’s graduation from high school, I don’t think about who Lucy will bring to prom, I don’t think of what states I will get to visit to see colleges… and I don’t think of my girls weddings. I can’t do that. In 5 days my world fell apart. I thought I would have a partner in this life. If you asked me the week that Madeline died if Matt and I would be one of the ones that made it I would have told you there could be no other way. Instead I am here. I am in a pile of shit that I can not change. I have been blessed and carried and cared for… and I know God has got this. I need to learn how to hand over some of this pain and suffering and walk lighter. Those words, songs, messages were little ways to show me. I believe, no, I KNOW this. Even when I am feeling like I have lately, feeling sad and heavy… not being the mom I like to be… feeling lonely and separate… I still know He is there. He is waiting for me to give him some of this load. I think I am finally realizing or figuring it out or something.
Why is it so hard for me to do this? Here is the thing. I am in this spot. I have choices, but often times I choose the sadder choice to think about. I can not change Matt, no one can change another person unless they allow you or want to or something like that… I can not change Madeline dying. I am here in this spot. I am generally very good at seeing those ‘I can’t changes’ and accepting them. I am kind of stuck in a rut, scared to move. Today, though, I felt a little different. I can do this. I feel like I made it through yesterday, it is almost bedtime today… and I can do tomorrow. I got this. If I make it through tomorrow, I might as well get to Friday right? Before you know it I will be a little lighter and a little more me… who knows maybe I will be a little more ‘New Erin’… I think she will be wonderful and I WISH WISH WISH I could meet her right now. I would give a lot to be one year from now and have some of this pain worked through and confusion straightened and a normal… but I know that the things that I do in this year are going to be so important to ‘New Erin’ that I won’t understand why I am that way without getting through it. I also don’t want to miss the things this year that I haven’t let my mind think too much about- Lucy going to kindergarten, Amelia to second grade and preparing for her first communion, meeting my new niece or nephew, taking the girls to the lake… I can’t miss those things to lessen the pain. I won’t know the joy without the pain, the happy without the sad… I know, I know more than others that there is happy in my tears and joy in my pain. I just need to get back to that place. I can do this.
My ‘I can do this’ day was full… a nice long run in the sun, coffee at the Y, Target with Lucy, working in the garage and organizing, a long walk full of puddle jumping and mud smushing, dinner and pitch perfect movie night… it was a good day. I am not going to let the hard bits change the good… I was much better at redirecting my mad and sad and missing… it was a good day. I can do this. I can move, run, walk, smile, play, clean, breathe, train, cook and live…