Sometimes the hardest part of sharing is feeling like the world is sad for me, or feels bad for me… if that makes sense. I feel so blessed to have many people who care, carry, love, hug, share and help. I am surrounded by the best ones, near and far.
It’s been flinging around in my brain lately… that my life looks supremely sad right now. Sometimes it can be. I mean on paper it is. It is confusing. It is heavy. I am learning. I am grieving. I am lonely. I miss old life. I miss Madeline. I am tired and not as productive as I like… Some days it feels better, some days it feels worse. Every day, at the end of it, it was a day. I put things into the day that made me feel better or worse, heavier or lighter, more like ‘me’ or farther from ‘me’. At the end of every day I go to bed, get some sleep or not and have a chance to wake up again and fill my day with a mix of those things- again.
I think what is hard is that I don’t really dislike my life. I have fleeting moments that I wish I could time travel to one year from now and just be there. To be the ‘Erin’ that has let go of many things, learned a lot and generally has a handle on more. Honestly though, will the picture or scenario I hope for in a year be that? I am in this for the long haul… in this life with all of the waves and messes and hard and loss. I am in it because it is mine. In it there is still so much good that I wouldn’t want to get to 60 and have missed. Most moments I know I can handle this journey. Maybe it was made just for me… who knows.
I guess when people console or tell me how sorry they are… I have this feeling inside that I wouldn’t want another life anyway. I wouldn’t want someone else’s kids, life or personality. Even in the hard that I have I love it… I hate how much it can hurt, but I can handle it somehow. I love all of my friends and the strengths they bring to the table- my family and the bonds we have… but I wouldn’t want anyone else’s reality. I like and hate my messy, hard and lovely life. At this very moment I am very okay with status quo and changes in our family… that can change… but I will be ready. I have moments where I wish I was outside of myself and moments where I feel like I am outside of myself. I think it is all part of this journey. I know I am not alone. I know that I am often being carried. I know that I am surrounded. I am blessed. I am really glad that I am ‘me’ in this.
In all of this, be glad you are ‘you’. Work hard to be the ‘you’ that you should be, that you were made to be. Be kind to ‘you’… and recognize some of the awesome things that ‘you’ bring to the table in this hard and messy life. My messy is super messy right now, yours may be less so… take on your messy and love your amazing… accept and love your journey (even though it looks nothing like you imagined). Thank God for making ‘you’ for your journey… I have a strong feeling at the end of these hardships we will all surprise ourselves with grace, strength and lessons learned.
… so don’t cry for me (Argentina keeps running through my brain)… pray for me, carry me, send love… I always need them, just as you all need them on your journey. Thank you all for climbing up the polka dot tree with me…