Clarity… “the quality of being clear”. Today I feel more clear… less scared and all together a little more put together.
This past week was a storm. The aftermath is big and painful. I made mistakes and Matt did to. Going forward I have hope that some things could have only gotten better if these actions and reactions were the ones we each made. I know to most that can.not.make sense. In the fog there comes clarity. Today I felt more like me. I have hope that lines of communication and understanding have been opened… that bits of change will be made and things will change for the better.
I don’t often act out in a loud, crazy mad. I am mad at myself, and not mad, for doing just that. In this life, with a lot of the changes, hurdles, lessons and responsibilities sometimes we all fail. Sometimes we all fall. We are faced with the consequences of those falls and fails. We are lifted and supported by those around us… but ultimately if it was something that you felt you shouldn’t do, then you must come to terms and let it go. I wish I wasn’t so publically angry at Matthew. I know most of the world doesn’t even understand why it hurt so much, what the mechanisms of hurt were, what the circumstances around the ‘Big Mad’ were… without getting into it and rehashing details, I just wish I slowed down.
Sometimes, though, the only way we can get to the place we need to get to, to get to right here and right now… we must make some things known, we must yell and scream and throw our phones, we must change the direction of misery. I believe, now that the fog is lifting, that this did just that. I think it forced me to let go to a thing, a hope, a belief that something would work out if we kept headed in the direction we were. I think it helped Matt see a lot of things… things he didn’t know about himself. Things that he has carried, put away, hidden and denied. Behaviors that hurt me and our girls… all settled into his ‘underneath self’. The part of him that he can’t see… no one can really… but it determines a lot. It is the part of a person that carries anger, resentment, jealousy and hurt… it can get very big. I have supreme hope that this storm is the one that will get us to some sunshine and quite possibly a much better coparenting, sharing and friendly relationship… where we each support the best parts of us. TO many that will sound nuts, to many you will carry anger and hurt for something that you don’t need to. I assure you that we will all get to our best.life.ever. I have a huge amount of hope that Matt will start doing some grief work and working on himself. I will continue to work on me, and get stronger and more confident… get more capable of happy.
So in the midst of fog we can find clarity. I am still ‘not there yet’… but I will tell you that I feel more sure and strong and positive about our mediation and work toward coparenting. I know things will look different until the new different is normal. We will make it work. I have faith. I have prayed and asked to be sent in the directions that are best. I feel that as the fog lifted the clearer path was there. Lessons were learned. I regret it and don’t. If I didn’t do this the way that I did we wouldn’t be in this very spot. I know some are so angry at me. I also know that so many don’t know all of the details and the way it has been, the history of behaviors in each of us… the bigger picture. Matt needs to be able to move and live and breathe too. He will make mistakes, backtrack and fail. He will move forward and on, but I hope that this storm gave him some clarity and he can find the strength and bravery to find the Matt he wants to be. So as we move and live and breathe… remember to let go of your mad. Let go of your mad at things you can not change. Let go of your mad for things others have been able to… don’t save it. If we can let go of our mad and we are standing the hole then I am sure you can let go of yours.
I am feeling ok in this very spot. I am watching Lucy play basketball while Amelia is in singing, lessons. I am feeling skinny (apparently stress is great weight watchers)… I am feeling less sad and scared about the future. I have amazing people. I have 3 awesome daughters. I have a comfy and snuggly home, my jeep has gas and there is ziti in my fridge from a friend. It is going to be better, different, but better. I know it. God has a plan. I have a bit of a plan. I have lots to work on. Matt has lots to work on. I have faith that we can be some sort of a family on the other side if we each work on us. This family will look funny to most… but it will be respectful and filled with better communication and some sort of mixed big family I am sure.
In the end, when my lovely daughters have some daughters of their own I hope Matt and I can be in a place that we can say “she’s a little Madeline”… and go home to our separate houses and families…
Who really knows what it will look like. I just hope that all of you best.people.ever will give us space and prayers that we each get into better, stronger us’s. That we can work inside ourselves to do this the best way for all of us.